Confused and Frustrated

The above title pretty much explains how I am feeling today. I'm not really sure what I want to say here or how to explain it but since last night I knew I needed to write something about how I was feeling. Unfortunately I think it is going to come out as a rant and I don't really want to do that because I think the film I saw last night was fantastic and I don't want to take away from that.

Last night I attended the screening of the documentary "In Our Own Image: Sex Worker Produced Media & The Story of $pread Magazine" This was the description of the film,

What happens when sex workers become not just the subjects of media gaze, but reporters and publishers of sex trade news? This documentary short looks at $pread Magazine, an example of sex worker-made media, and discusses its aim to change the way media itself approaches sex work. Followed by a panel/discussion on sex worker rights media, movements and legislation.

I was curious when I saw this description because of my association with Sex Work Awareness and the work they are doing with sex worker made media. I attended the screening with Audacia Ray who is a former executive editor of $pread Magazine.

Since becoming a sex worker ally I now find when I attend an event that is sex worker related I have come to know several of the people there and last night was no different. I saw several people who I've met over the past months at different functions. There seems to be a core group of people in the city who all have the same mission. Sex workers rights.

There was a good size crowd as I arrived and it wasn't long before the film was beginning. I took my seat with great anticipation to see what I would take away this evening and use in my day to day life as a sex worker ally. But it was only a few minutes before I started to feel both confused and frustrated. To a point that I took out a notepad and pen to take notes on this film.

This was the story of $pread magazine. What it meant to a community and how it was produced. I sat there thinking to myself "but where is Audacia and others?" If this film is about sex workers producing their own media with comments from others within the sex worker community why was she not quoted in the film. Someone who not only worked on $pread magazine but is currently working on educating both sex workers and allies in creating their own media messages with Sex Work Awareness.

When the movie ended it was followed by a panel/discussion on sex worker rights media, movements and legislation.

Panelists:

Andrea Ritchie, esq.: Civil Rights attorney and Director, Sex Workers Project at the Urban Justice Center

Louise Cheung: current Photo Editor of $pread magazine, involved with the magazine for the past 2 1/2 years.

Ignacio Rivera: Queer, gender-shifting, Trans- Entity, Black Boricua performance artist, activist, sex educator and sex worker. Ignacio is founder of Poly Patao Productions and founding board member of Queers for Economic Justice.

It was at this point I began to shake my head and wonder if I was now better informed about sex worker media than I had realized. Earlier that evening while waiting for Dacia after work I was catching up on my twitter feed and saw the link to something Melissa Gira Grant had written that day titled The Craigslist Sex Panic. Her article was one of the best I have read since Craigslist announced they were doing away with their erotic services section. I talk about this because the Craigslist issue was brought up by one of the panelist during the discussion and it barely touched on the issues like Melissa had who also just happened to be in the audience that night. I don't know how to put into words the frustrations I felt as I listened to what was being said and knowing that what I had read earlier that evening online had left me better informed than what I was hearing at that point.

I then waited for the media portion of the panel and discussion thinking this was why I was there. To hear how others were using sex worker produced media to change the perceptions of sex workers and work toward improving sex worker rights. I either missed it or it never happened. Louise Cheng spoke briefly about $pread Magazine explaining how it gave sex workers a voice in the media they wouldn't normally have. The discussion then turned to Andrea Ritchie speaking about the laws that SWP is working to have changed in the State of New York. Laws such as changing that law enforcement can no longer use condoms as evidence for arrests which I have talked about in another post here.

I think this part is what frustrated me the most. It was something I have heard about before at functions I have attended. What was frustrating is that the people who attended this screening seemed to be people who are already in the sex worker community as either sex workers, former sex workers or sex worker allies. It appeared we were listening to basic sex worker info that all of us already knew.

To me this seemed like a wasted opportunity to better educate this audience. Maybe I'm wrong and I'm out in left field about this but having just seen the PDF of the Speak Up! materials online I wondered why no one was talking about it. The people who were in that room and involved in creating both the film and event know Dacia and know what Sex Work Awareness is doing. I didn't understand why if this was a discussion about sex worker media why this was not at least being mentioned.

Something that has confused me all these months is how at times it feels as if all these different organizations do not work together. Each one targets a specific need for sex workers and they all on their own do an amazing job but at times like last night when it would have been fantastic to combine these organizations I was both confused and frustrated why that didn't happen. Maybe I'm just just wrong here and don't understand the entire picture but the audience last night missed out on an opportunity to learn more about sex workers producing their own message by media. That is a shame because the information was right there in that room with all of them.

I sat there frustrated and thought to myself if you can't get these people to work together or cross educate within their own community how do you educate everyone else outside of it and change their perception of sex workers. I know I don't have the answer for that question.

This film will be screening this next week at the Sex Worker Film, Art & Musical Festival in San Francisco along with the PSA I am a sex worker. Although this post is somewhat of a rant of my frustrations and confusion the film itself was good. It was informative about $pread and basic sex worker information. I just think so much more could have been learned by everyone last night.

Now for the best part of the evening. As the film began to play and it showed different shots out of the blue up popped your truly, me in the film.

Yes, that is correct.

I had no idea until I saw myself that I was in this film.

Life does always seem to have a strange twist for me.

What She Said..

This morning I read this post by Mina Meow and when I got to the end of it the only thing I could think was "Yeah, what she said." I have been a follower of Mina's blog for several months now and this post is one of the reasons why. I really like how she thinks and what she writes. Plus she is a cute whirlwind of non-stop energy who never fails to greet you with a smile when you meet her in person.

Mina put into words some of the things that have been on my mind lately. These days I have almost 400 feeds in my reader that I scan each week not only looking for things to post on Best Sex Bloggers but also new writers and lately I have seen several posts that carry a common theme to them and that is acceptance.

I wrote about this a few months ago in Living Life and it is still something that is on my mind. I don't know the event Mina speaks of so I can't give any opinion on it but what I can talk about is the concept of acceptance.

I have seen people shunned for being open about their sexuality. I have seen the heartbreak when a parent disowns a child because of their sexuality. They loved them one moment and cut them out of their life the next because they did not conform to their ideas.

For me personally I don't care how someone identifies and I'm more than likely to get the label wrong half the time as I still try to learn and understand the meaning of the many different labels these days. When I meet someone I don't care if they are into men, women, both or whatever. What I care about is the person that they are inside. That goes for people in both the kink and vanilla worlds I seem to inhabit these days.

I'm pretty open to anything these days and although it might not be something I am willing to experience at this point in my life I support it for others with the one guiding rule that is not do harm to others. I have also learned in this past year "never say never" because you just never know.

I do at times feel as if the kink community looks down on the vanilla world but that could just be how I see it and not a reality. However it does bother me because how do we look for acceptance from others for our sexuality when some seem to look down on those who are not part of it. Shouldn't we set the example?

As a mother it saddens me when I see that children can not come out to their parents for fear of being rejected and then for those who do some will constantly have to work at being accepted by their parents. Like Mina I don't know the answers to any of this but I think this part of her post sums it up well,

I recognize common ground helps to solidify a community, yet I urge us all
to consider other avenues for uniting us rather than basing them on
who we fuck, what parts we have, or what expression of gender we choose. I
guess that’s why I created Alphabet Soup…. because I don’t see what we do (or
don’t do), who we fuck, and/or how we self-identify as being reasons why we
can’t all mingle and play together.

Intimacy

a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group

Yesterday after a few Fizzy Vixen's I posted about the time I spend with my friends and the intimacy I have with them. This subject has been on my mind ever since I freaked someone out a few months ago talking about the word intimacy(FYI - You might not want to say that word to someone within the first two weeks of meeting) and I have been wanting to write about it.

For me what I have come to learn in this past year is that there are many types and levels of intimacy and they are all now part of my life these days. That is very new for me after so many years in a marriage that lacked any type intimacy at all. Over time I have opened myself up to new people and experiences and although a few have not been the greatest, overall it has been a wonderful year for me.

It has taken me time to both realize and understand what intimacy really was. I realized that I wouldn't automatically find it in sex or marriage as I mistakenly thought all these years but more in the actual relationships and friendships I built.

I had always thought affection needed to come from a lover but now realize how wrong that is. The affectionate moments I have with friends who are not lovers are as rewarding for me as those with a lover are. Sharing moments with friends and talking about our likes,our loves and having some great laughs together have become some of the most fulfilling times for me these days.

Nadia left me this comment on that post yesterday,

I have to confess I'm a little jealous of the intimacy you and your friends share. I don't have any female friends I'm currently close to. Maybe I should spend less time with the guys and cultivate some friendships.

Sounds like you all had a wonderful time. And intimacy is a wonderful thing to share. Thanks for sharing with us out in the blogsphere.

It made me think about how these relationships in my life came about. How they didn't just fall into my lap one day but how I worked to build them with people I found common likes and interests with. With people who I admired and respected and that I was now opening myself up to the possibility of friendships with anyone. They didn't have to be parents of my children's friends, co-workers or people my own age. They didn't even all have to be women which was another new experience for me. To have men in my life who I wasn't in a relationship or having sex with but just friends with.

What I discovered several months ago is that for me personally it was more rewarding to have moments in my life that involved that intimacy. I found that spending time with friends, sharing a few drinks, a few laughs, or watching bad porn on a rainy day was actually more enjoyable and fulfilling for me than having casual sex with someone I didn't share a level of intimacy or honesty with. It was one of those "been there, done that" moments.

I've become more picky about who I spend my time with these days because it is so limited between work and my family and I no longer waste it on experiences that are not rewarding for me just to make someone else happy. My dance card is pretty full and I'm happy that all the things I do now and the people I spend my time with make me so happy. After so many years I have finally learned to be able to choose what I want and not just what will make someone else happy.

Nadia, It is never too late to build those friendships as I am living proof of that. Let me also say that it is totally worth it. Sex is great, especially with someone you can make that connection with but for me my life would not be complete without the friends that I have it in now.

A Night At Dacia's Home for Wayward Girls

As I sit here lounging on the couch getting ready for round three of brunch (mussels in white wine with shallots I hear) I find myself with a few minutes to post on this little old sex bloggie thing I have here. (care to guess how many drinks I have had so far)

Another lovely evening was once again had by one and all at Dacia's Home for Wayward Girls when several of us sex bloggers got together to do what we do best. Eat, drink and be merry. I know you're asking yourself where is the sex in there. Are we now food bloggers? No but one of the things I have found these past few months is a level of intimacy in my life that is new to me and doesn't actually have to involve sex. Sometimes the time I spend with friends who I am close to in my life over drinks and our love of food is more rewarding than sex without intimacy or friendship at the very least.

I tried to explain this to someone not that long ago and they could not get past the word "intimacy." They could only associate that word with commitment and try as I might they could not understand my thoughts on it. I pointed out that many marriages are without intimacy and yet are a major commitment.

These days I am exploring all those different levels of friendship and intimacy in my life.

Now let me share some of the awesome food and drinks here at the Home for Wayward Girls.

It started with an assortment of cheeses (it always does) by Dacia.


Followed by Paella from our the amazing cook Desiree


And last but not least Natt Nightly put his marvelous baking skills to work and made us these.


Doesn't all of that look great! But wait it gets even better. After all the food and drinks it was time to retire to bed. Have I mentioned they have the most comfortable beds here? Catalina and I retired to our room and that is as much as I am going to say. Other than when I shut the lights off their were several little glowing lights around the room. Upon further inspection I found she had plugged all her sex toys to charge. They make awesome nightlights.

This morning (or is it afternoon already?) we now lounge around working, chatting and having the famous Wayward Home Brunch which includes their signature drink the "Fizzy Vixen" or in my case the fuzzy vixen.

Happy Mother's Day!

I arrived back home to spend Mother's Day with my children after attending Sex 2.0 this weekend. I would like to thank the many people who helped make it happen including Match who was the organizer this year, the amazing session leaders who filled my head with so many thoughts and ideas I was exhausted by the end of the day, Sextoy.com for sponsoring it, Melissa Gira who stepped in as keynote speaker and did an awesome job, but most of all to Amber Rhea who without her vision last year Sex 2.0 would not be possible.

I loved this conference. It gave me so many new ideas and thoughts but what was so fantastic about Sex 2.0 is being with a 150+ people who had many of those same thoughts and ideas as me. I met a lot of those people this weekend and will be writing about the sessions I attended.

I had concerns going into it this year and there are some things I would like to see different for next year. One is the google group. I think the concept of the google group is great but I don't think it was fully achieved this year. From what I understood from people who attended the first Sex 2.0 the google group last year had more input about the actual conference where as this year seemed to have mostly information about events surrounding the conference. I think the concept of transparency is good and the google group makes that possible. The idea that anyone can propose a session for others to comment if they would like to attend or not for me is one of the things that make Sex 2.0 what it is. I'm not sure if I just missed those posts in the google group or not but some of the sessions this past weekend I didn't see discussed in the google group.

The other thing I would like to see next year is that the sessions be expanded to at least one hour. There is so much to discuss and talk about that it felt like it needed to be just a little bit longer to give us the full opportunity for that. Perhaps having a questionnaire for attendees to fill out now with their input on Sex 2.0 might be a good idea.

There is talk of Sex 2.0 moving to Seattle next year and I am hoping that happens. I would love to visit and meet so many of my online friends from out there while attending Sex 2.0 again. I also think moving it out to the west coast would give many others a chance to attend who were not able to make it to DC this year. This is an amazing conference that brings together a large group of people with the same interests and allows us to explore those and learn from each other in the day.

Look for more posts this week but right now I am going to spend this gorgeous day with my children.

Happy Mother's Day everyone!

NYC Sex Blogger Calendar - Redux

After the great success we had last year with the 2009 NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar I am happy to announce today the 2010 NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar along with a new site for it. I was totally amazed last year how well the calendar took off and the amount of support we received from everyone in our CommUNITY. I remember within the first week or so we had over 10,000 hits on that blog.

Speak Up! last month was such a great success that there was no question where the funds from this years calendar would go. The PSA I am a sex worker was released last week with overwhelming support and many across the country have been asking Dacia to bring her Speak Up! to their city.

Nine of us from last year will be returning along with a few new faces. This years theme for the calendar is sexual freedom and we will be using twelve different photographers to help us express that vast and diverse concept. Some of those photographers are,

Barbara Nitke
Brian Moss
Ellen Stagg
JM Darling
Kurt Hernon
Lochai
Paulie and Pauline

Without the help of all of you in our CommUNITY last year by linking to us, blogging and buying both days and calendars this would not have been possible and we sincerely hope that once again our CommUNITY will show their support for us. Just as last year we will again be selling days starting in June for you to personalize in our calendar and become part of this wonderful project along with us.

There will also be another famous calendar party in late fall and we are working on firming up the date and hope to release it within the next few weeks.

I'm a pin up girl again!!! Woo hoo!!!!

Diva Does A Dumb Ass Thing....

.....and a certain couple finds it very funny

These days I meet people either as Diva or my actual self. I still haven't decided which is better because they both seem to have their drawbacks. Some men I have met as Diva have an impression of me from my blog and twitter that isn't quite accurate.

Then there are men I meet in my life through other means that have noting to do with Diva or blogging. The questions are difficult to answer at times when they ask me about myself. How do I explain the job I do for Quid Pro Quo without explaining how I ended up in it.

Recently a good friend of mine from out west wanted me to get to know of friend of his who now lived here on the east coast. He knew me as both my real self and Diva and asked me what email he should give his friend for me. I immediately replied with my vanilla email not wanting to have him google "Diva" if I used that one.

After a few emails with this man he asked me if I chat on yahoo. Sure I chat all over the Internet but the problem was I chat as Diva these days. I googgled my yahoo chat name and found all my Diva info right there.

I did what I have always done when I'm not quite sure what to do. I asked my best friend Tess. After a careful discussion of this it was decided I would create a vanilla yahoo name to give to my new friend and keep my Diva life private at this point.

When he next emailed me I responded with my new yahoo name and said I would be happy to chat with him. Sounds good doesn't it? What could go wrong with that?

I have several gmail emails that all forward to one account. Upon replying to this man I made sure I was replying with my vanilla email. After I hit the send button I then noticed the signature.

It had carried over my Diva signature.

Yes that one.

The one that says "Follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/debaucheddiva

The one that had a link for this blog.

The one that also has a link for Best Sex Bloggers

The one that also has a link for Quid Pro Quo.

So instead of taking a chance and having this guy google my Diva yahoo chat name I went through all the trouble of creating a new one and then gave everything about me to him but my social security number.

It was a dumb ass thing I did.

My friends who came up with the idea of me getting to know him had a great laugh over this one. Last I knew he had not yet read my blog. I'm hoping he didn't pay attention to the signature line.

If not......Hi......yeah it's me. Which day did you want to meet for drinks again?

Another Monday

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow

Shining at the end of ev'ryday

Another week has come and gone and I find myself here once again on a Monday morning realizing that I am actually looking forward to it. Gone is the dread of getting up and starting another week. The worry of what this week will bring me.

It took me a few weeks to actually realize that I now find myself looking forward to each new day and what it will bring me. I remember not that long ago being so unhappy and thinking to myself this is what life is. This is what the rest of my life will be like. Never realizing at that moment that I could be happy once again just being me.

My life isn't perfect by any measure these days and I do have my moments where I just want to scream at times but I have learned this past year how to deal better with that and now find myself each day doing that without even thinking about it.

Several years ago I told someone that until they were happy with themselves they wouldn't find happiness anywhere else. I never realized at that moment how true that was of my life. It has taken me awhile and I'm still working on it but for the first time in longer than I can remember my happiness is because of my choices. There are days that my life is going in so many new directions it is all I can do to just hang on and enjoy it.

Last week I wrote a post about "Leaving the Nest" and Tess. As with anything I write there is always more than I put out in public and the comments on the post. What surprised me about the feedback on that post was that people who both read and know me now never saw me as that shy person. That insecure woman with such low self esteem. It made me once again stop and look at myself now and realize just how much I have grown in this past year.

I have great week ahead of me. I'm am extremely busy working on the 2010 NYC Sex Blogger Calendar. We will be going public with the list of pin-ups and plans for it this week along with some surprises.

I am also attending Sex 2.0 at the end of the week and I'm very excited about that. Besides the awesome list of sessions and presenters that will be there it is also a chance for me to once again see friends and to finally meet in person the ones I only know from online.

Sex Work Awareness is going to have a table there and I'm excited about being able to help Dacia share the awesome news of what Sex Work Awareness is doing these days.

My only complaint I have lately is that between my two jobs, family and time I give to SWA and others I don't have the time I want to be able to write. I have so many things in my head I want to write about and I just haven't found the way to do that like I would. I actually even have a few funny things to post about.

One of these days I will get them all done.

Leaving The Nest

There is one person who has had the greatest impact in my life this past year and a half and that is Tess. I don't know if I can ever put into words how much her love and friendship has meant to me.

When I stumbled across Tess's blog I was in a downward spiral in my life. I was in a fucked up relationship that was only making my depression worse. Tess saw in me what I didn't. Over all these many months she has shown me support, love and the patience of a saint at times when I rode that crazy train for way too long.

I was always a very shy person and with such low self esteem afraid at times to actually talk to people. I didn't feel as if I was equal to them.

What Tess showed me by example is how to be the strong confident woman I am today. She pointed me in the right direction and introduced me to an entire world out there for me. She helped me see that therapy would be a good thing for me and throughout it all she was always next to me to catch me if I slipped and fell.

When I doubted myself and my abilities I had Tess to lean on. I had a safe haven within her world knowing that she would never lead me in the wrong direction. I was confident from day one that Tess had my best interests at heart and above all wanted me to be happy.

She is the one person in my life that I can be completely open and honest with. I have looked to her when I questioned things in my life and she was always there to give me her guidance. At the darkest point in my life she was there whenever I needed her and I don't know what I would have done without her.

But.......

There comes a time that I need to stand on my own and leave the nest. She has given me the skills and confidence I need to do that now. I may stumble and fall at times but I know that if I do she will be there once again to help me up.

Last week I left that nest when I did something I have not been able to do all these months. I took the subway by myself. That might seem like a simple thing to many of you but for some reason I had this mental block and fear when trying to figure out the subway on my own. Twice last week I did it by myself and even changed trains both times. After it seemed like such a simple thing but for me it was a huge step. I had taken one more step toward being independent.

Next week I'll be attending Sex 2.0 by myself. I actually won't quite be by myself as many of my close friends will be there but I won't be going with Tess like I have done to so many other things in the past. I know deep down Tess still worries about me at times no matter how much she sees that I have grown and for that I am thankful to her.

This is a big year of change for me in many ways and having the confidence to do many things on my own is so empowering for me. It feels great.

I will still always be Tess's submissive because it brings me great joy to humor her. I actually do love when she bosses me around at times and I'm looking forward to the warmer weather so she can once again start on her campaign of having me wear skirts.

I was truly blessed that night I found her blog.