Independence Day

Last year this is how I began my 4th of July celebration. I was in California with Tess visiting a friend of our we met through blogging. My life has changed a lot in the year since that photo was taken.

When I look back on that morning and that trip Tess and I took to California I think of it as my first step to independence in my life. At the time my life was in a downward spiral and it wouldn't be much longer before I finally hit rock bottom. What I knew on that day was that I needed to make changes in how I was living my life and that I could not do that alone. It was the next day in a small outdoor cafe with my eyes full of tears I finally reached out to Tess and asked for her help.

Looking back now I realized I had needed that trip so badly at that point in my life. Our friend Chloe opened her home to us and gave me the space and time away from home that I needed so desperately at that time in my life. Up until that trip I had not spent much time with Tess in person because I had been choosing to spend the few free hours I had each week elsewhere . What I realized on that trip over those days with Tess and Chloe was how much I needed those types of friendships in my life. I needed people in my life who were not using me for what I could do for them but who were offering their friendship to me and not expecting anything other than my friendship and happiness in return.

It was upon returning home from California that after so many months in therapy I finally opened up and was completely honest with my therapist. It was on that day that therapy actually started to make a difference for me and help me to work on fixing me. I say "fixing me" because I came to understand that until I fixed me and the things I was doing in my life I would never find happiness or peace. I came to realize that I was choosing the same type of people over and over in my life and making the same mistakes. It was the first step to feeling empowered for once in my life.

When I finally hit rock bottom if was my friendship and support from Tess along with a great therapist that gave me the strength to turn my life around. This past year has not always been easy and although I have become more private in what I write here on my blog there has been some really amazing things and people that I've found in my life during that this past year.

If I had to say what has been the biggest change in my life it would be my self esteem. For so many years I had none and once realizing that and the reasons for it I worked on changing that. It is not something I am able to put into words in a blog post but it is something that has made a huge difference in my life of how I lead it and who I allow in it. I can go on and on about that and the things I did as a result of having none or the ways I allowed others to exploit and use it but what is more important for me is I understand how I ended up where I did at that point in my life last year.

Along with self esteem came courage. The courage to stand up for myself, to take control of my life and to no longer live my life just to please others. My relationships with my children, my extended family and all my friends are better as a result of this. I still make mistakes and at times allow people in my life I shouldn't but the difference now is that I can see and accept my mistakes a lot sooner now and then set about correcting them. I realized that what is important is not only seeing the mistakes I make and why I do but also taking responsibility for them.

Independence Day will always hold a special meaning to me along with those days last year I spent on a beautiful island off of California with two women who gave me their friendship and support at a point in my life I was so lost and in return never asked for anything other than my happiness. Today I will once again spend 4th of July with Tess, only this time we will be at her house for one of her delicious BBQ's instead of on vacation. But fear not it will still be another Diva and Tess adventure as we jump on her trampoline in mini skirts. Panties optional.

Happy Independence Day everyone. Celebrate and enjoy!!!