To celebrate the end of the year and thank those of you who have read my blog throughout this past year I thought it would be nice to have my first ever contest I have three NYC Sex Blogger 2009 calendars to give away to three people who leave me a comment telling me what one of their resolutions for 2009 will be.
I'll pick the top three comments that stand out for me on January 1st and post the winners. Did I mention these calendars are signed by a few of the pin ups?
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Thinking of You
When I am alone I think of you. Of the way you smile down at me and how you make me smile in return.
I think of that first kiss we shared that took me by surprise. I think back on how much I had wanted you to do that but never expected it until that moment when I looked up at you with the anticipation of what would come next. The happiness I felt. That seems so long ago now.
I want to touch you. To feel you touch me knowing what it will do to me. I long to wrap myself around you once again and cry out with the pleasure I know you will give me. I close my eyes and think of us together and what we will do. What you will do to me and of what I will feel.
I close my eyes and picture you once again standing before me beautifully naked. How I reach out to touch you. Running my fingertips over you, feeling you and then touching you with my mouth. The familiar taste of you on my tongue. I think of how I will bury my face in you and inhale your scent feeling my desire for you building in me.
I anticipate feeling you do the same to me. Of how you will drive me insane and push me to the edge so easily. I think of how the only thing that will fully satisfy me is your hard cock inside of me but know you won't give me that until I am begging you. Until I am crying in both pain and pleasure for it and only then will you.
My body is now on fire as I think of you and write this. As I remember the last time I saw you and think of your hands on me. I reach down to touch myself and feel the proof of that need and wonder when I will be with you again. Because until them I am only left with thinking of you.
I think of that first kiss we shared that took me by surprise. I think back on how much I had wanted you to do that but never expected it until that moment when I looked up at you with the anticipation of what would come next. The happiness I felt. That seems so long ago now.
I want to touch you. To feel you touch me knowing what it will do to me. I long to wrap myself around you once again and cry out with the pleasure I know you will give me. I close my eyes and think of us together and what we will do. What you will do to me and of what I will feel.
I close my eyes and picture you once again standing before me beautifully naked. How I reach out to touch you. Running my fingertips over you, feeling you and then touching you with my mouth. The familiar taste of you on my tongue. I think of how I will bury my face in you and inhale your scent feeling my desire for you building in me.
I anticipate feeling you do the same to me. Of how you will drive me insane and push me to the edge so easily. I think of how the only thing that will fully satisfy me is your hard cock inside of me but know you won't give me that until I am begging you. Until I am crying in both pain and pleasure for it and only then will you.
My body is now on fire as I think of you and write this. As I remember the last time I saw you and think of your hands on me. I reach down to touch myself and feel the proof of that need and wonder when I will be with you again. Because until them I am only left with thinking of you.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust
For many years I have always trusted my intuition without question. This past year I ignored what my intuition was telling me and got knocked on my ass. I trusted and believed people when everything inside of me was screaming at me not to. As time went on I started having panic attacks for the first time in my life because I was going against everything I knew and felt.
I took a hard hit when I realized that the people I thought of as friends in my life were not at all. Some only approached me because of who I was fucking at the time and others for what I could do for them or others. It shattered my trust in people when I realized that it wasn't just one or two people but several that I had allowed in my life and trusted with my personal thoughts and feelings.
The only thing I could do at the time was become withdrawn from everyone. I had only a few close friends in my life that I had any trust left in and they were the only ones I would interact with. As time went on I knew I could not live my life that way yet I wasn't ready to open myself up again. I didn't feel like I had the strength at that point in my life and I no longer had any trust in myself because when I had been at such a low point in my life I allowed myself to become involved with people that I knew under any normal circumstances I would never allow them in my life.
I did what I did so often over this past year I turned to Tess. She had been right in all the advice she had given me since I had met her and she was one person I knew I could trust without a second thought. I decided that I needed to make new friends and go back to being the person I had been. I began with people that Tess knew. It felt safe for me because if Tess knew them and trusted them then I didn't need to rely on my own judgement which had so failed me during this past year. I had been in such a fucked up social circle that I no longer even knew what "normal" was anymore but as time went on and I became more and more outgoing I realized that I did still have that ability to trust myself.
The first person I became friends with was Bad Bad Girl. I knew of her from Tess but had never had contact with her. She reminded me of Tess with her warm welcome and open heart and before I knew it we became good friends. I call her my West Coast version of Tess. Our last day in NYC together we hugged and kissed each other good bye. With tears I thanked her for being there. That when I needed to see that there are good people out there I found her.
As my confidence in myself grew I became more and more outgoing again. I met many new people that I both liked and could respect. It was an adjustment at first to realize I could have drama free friendships without anyone looking at what I could do for them or give them. No one cared who I was having sex with or what type of sex. It was a new world for me that opened up.
I came to realize that I wasn't as crazy as I always thought I was this past year. I had just been riding the crazy train. I worked on this in therapy. Trying to learn the reasons that I let myself be in that world and why I seemed to be repeating the same mistakes that I had made in my marriage. I gained my confidence and became aware that people wanted to know me for me. It was then I realized how low my self esteem actually was and how easily it had been for people to exploit that.
One day I came to realize I was no longer just Tess's friend anymore. I was myself. I was someone who felt worthy of building new relationships. I suddenly found that I had many people in my life and that I was living more and more of it in private than publicly online. I had people that I could trust with the truth about my life and have them be there for me to lean on if I needed them. I didn't need to question if I should open up to them or not.
I still would deal with the bs drama at times that didn't seem to want to end. But my instincts were there again and I could tell when I received comments or emails that it was passengers on the crazy train. I was now strong enough to look at it, shake my head and hit delete. I finally felt like I had control over my life again. That I was strong.
I put that strength to a test no too long ago when someone in my life was making me question things. In the past I have always kept quiet when something bothered me. I wouldn't want to upset that person or have them not like me. But in the end it would only upset me and add to my depression. After all these months of therapy I have built the skills that I need in my personal relationships to speak out for myself and that is what I did. I had faith and trust in this relationship but I also had questions. Instead of ignoring them I spoke up for myself. In the end we are probably closer than we were to start with because of that but it was a wonderful feeling for me to know that I can do that now in my life.
Friends who knew me throughout this year have remarked to me recently about how much better I am doing these days. How much stronger as a person I am now and I have to agree with them. I can feel it myself.
I was hurt and disillusioned in people this past year and I hated that. I hated to think that what I saw in the people who I crossed paths with this past year was what I would see in the future. I hated that I had lost the faith and trust I had for years in people. I feel blessed now that it is not how I feel any longer. That I not only value the people in my life again but for the first time in forever I value myself.
It only took faith, trust and a little pixie dust.
I took a hard hit when I realized that the people I thought of as friends in my life were not at all. Some only approached me because of who I was fucking at the time and others for what I could do for them or others. It shattered my trust in people when I realized that it wasn't just one or two people but several that I had allowed in my life and trusted with my personal thoughts and feelings.
The only thing I could do at the time was become withdrawn from everyone. I had only a few close friends in my life that I had any trust left in and they were the only ones I would interact with. As time went on I knew I could not live my life that way yet I wasn't ready to open myself up again. I didn't feel like I had the strength at that point in my life and I no longer had any trust in myself because when I had been at such a low point in my life I allowed myself to become involved with people that I knew under any normal circumstances I would never allow them in my life.
I did what I did so often over this past year I turned to Tess. She had been right in all the advice she had given me since I had met her and she was one person I knew I could trust without a second thought. I decided that I needed to make new friends and go back to being the person I had been. I began with people that Tess knew. It felt safe for me because if Tess knew them and trusted them then I didn't need to rely on my own judgement which had so failed me during this past year. I had been in such a fucked up social circle that I no longer even knew what "normal" was anymore but as time went on and I became more and more outgoing I realized that I did still have that ability to trust myself.
The first person I became friends with was Bad Bad Girl. I knew of her from Tess but had never had contact with her. She reminded me of Tess with her warm welcome and open heart and before I knew it we became good friends. I call her my West Coast version of Tess. Our last day in NYC together we hugged and kissed each other good bye. With tears I thanked her for being there. That when I needed to see that there are good people out there I found her.
As my confidence in myself grew I became more and more outgoing again. I met many new people that I both liked and could respect. It was an adjustment at first to realize I could have drama free friendships without anyone looking at what I could do for them or give them. No one cared who I was having sex with or what type of sex. It was a new world for me that opened up.
I came to realize that I wasn't as crazy as I always thought I was this past year. I had just been riding the crazy train. I worked on this in therapy. Trying to learn the reasons that I let myself be in that world and why I seemed to be repeating the same mistakes that I had made in my marriage. I gained my confidence and became aware that people wanted to know me for me. It was then I realized how low my self esteem actually was and how easily it had been for people to exploit that.
One day I came to realize I was no longer just Tess's friend anymore. I was myself. I was someone who felt worthy of building new relationships. I suddenly found that I had many people in my life and that I was living more and more of it in private than publicly online. I had people that I could trust with the truth about my life and have them be there for me to lean on if I needed them. I didn't need to question if I should open up to them or not.
I still would deal with the bs drama at times that didn't seem to want to end. But my instincts were there again and I could tell when I received comments or emails that it was passengers on the crazy train. I was now strong enough to look at it, shake my head and hit delete. I finally felt like I had control over my life again. That I was strong.
I put that strength to a test no too long ago when someone in my life was making me question things. In the past I have always kept quiet when something bothered me. I wouldn't want to upset that person or have them not like me. But in the end it would only upset me and add to my depression. After all these months of therapy I have built the skills that I need in my personal relationships to speak out for myself and that is what I did. I had faith and trust in this relationship but I also had questions. Instead of ignoring them I spoke up for myself. In the end we are probably closer than we were to start with because of that but it was a wonderful feeling for me to know that I can do that now in my life.
Friends who knew me throughout this year have remarked to me recently about how much better I am doing these days. How much stronger as a person I am now and I have to agree with them. I can feel it myself.
I was hurt and disillusioned in people this past year and I hated that. I hated to think that what I saw in the people who I crossed paths with this past year was what I would see in the future. I hated that I had lost the faith and trust I had for years in people. I feel blessed now that it is not how I feel any longer. That I not only value the people in my life again but for the first time in forever I value myself.
It only took faith, trust and a little pixie dust.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Christmas Cleavage
The color sucks a little on this one but after a few mimosas and a houseful of people it isn't easy to take cleavage shots. Remember it is the thought that counts.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday's to everyone. Hope Santa brings you what you wanted. Bad Bad Girl has a Christmas wish for me this year. Let's hope it comes true.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
A Video Is Worth A Thousand Words
Above is the video from the sex worker vigil I attended on December 17th. I had hoped Audacia would post this video online because as powerful as the written word can be, hearing her struggle to speak that night had a much bigger impact on me. She spoke of strength and vulnerability that night as we all stood there in the cold and quietly listened. I think you can see for youself how much of both her strength and vulnerability comes through in this video.
The other thing that had stood out for me that night was that before we started Dacia asked if anyone there had a problem with being photographed or filmed at this event because it may end up on the internet. I was the only person among everyone who raised my hand. I only knew a handful of the people who attended that night yet every person there both with and without a camera respected my need for privacy. I think that says a lot about a person's character and for me it is nice to be able to have that trust in others once again.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Living Life
There are some things in this world of sex and sex blogs that confuse me at times and I find that even some of the words or phrases used to describe it do not always sit well with me. I know that these are my personal thoughts and feelings but at times I find myself around others discussing some of them.
The other night after the Sex Workers vigil several of us went out for beer and muscles and then cupcakes. I was finally able to meet Sasha that night after several attempts when our schedules just did not click.
It was over cupcakes that we had a discussion about sex, kink and living the lifestyle as some like to say. I had this same discussion with Catalina in the past and once again tried to express my thoughts and feelings about the use of the term "living the lifestyle" or even "lifestyle" and why it bugged me.
Sasha wrote this post that put into words exactly what I was trying to say that night. It is this part the especially stuck me.
It is the judgement that I also see or feel from others who use that phrase that bothers me about it. I have both seen and received comments myself as if I am not worthy because I don't live the lifestyle by their standards. There are two thoughts that come to mind when I see those type of comments. The first is that people only know what they read about me so how would they have any idea of what lifestyle I lead and the second is that why would a community that is looking for acceptance themselves in their sex lives judge others who do not share those same activities with them.
The comments I have seen at times always come off sounding as if others who are not into their lifestyle are considered less. As if it is some type of secret society and if you don't live it you are not equal. To me that strikes of total bullshit.
Whatever I choose to be into in my life I try not to judge anyone else for their particular choices. Like Sasha said, what is right for me today, tomorrow or next week may not be right for me in a month or a year.
I think our calendar after party was a great example of bringing many people together with different interests. There was no one talking about living the lifestyle or looking down upon anyone else for what the do or do not do. We all came together to celebrate the success of our calendar and that was all we all needed to have in common.
I don't mean to offend or insult anyone who uses that phrase in their lives and I am sorry if I do, but it confuses the hell out of me because I don't really understand what it exactly means other than that judgemental feeling I get when I see or hear it. I don't know if it means you are poly, kinky or what.
I have such a wide range of people in my life these days who all seem to be into something different. Which one of their lives if the correct lifestyle? Maybe someone can explain better to me and help me understand it because I know that right now all I am trying to do these days is just live my life.
Next up: What exactly does "sex positive" mean?
The other night after the Sex Workers vigil several of us went out for beer and muscles and then cupcakes. I was finally able to meet Sasha that night after several attempts when our schedules just did not click.
It was over cupcakes that we had a discussion about sex, kink and living the lifestyle as some like to say. I had this same discussion with Catalina in the past and once again tried to express my thoughts and feelings about the use of the term "living the lifestyle" or even "lifestyle" and why it bugged me.
Sasha wrote this post that put into words exactly what I was trying to say that night. It is this part the especially stuck me.
This is why I’m not a poly or kink evangelist. Well, with some people I’m a kink pusher, but that’s another story. I do works for me. Would I say I’m part of a lifestyle? I’m not even sure what that means. I just know that the term lifestyle bugs the hell out of me. I don’t know why. It’s just something about the tone of voice people use when they ask me so are you part of the lifestyle? It reeks of judgement and misperception… To me at any rate.
I know that what I do is not for everybody, nor do I want or expect it to be. It is my sincere hope that people settle into whatever works best for them, with the knowledge that what may work today may not in a year, a month, or a decade.
It is the judgement that I also see or feel from others who use that phrase that bothers me about it. I have both seen and received comments myself as if I am not worthy because I don't live the lifestyle by their standards. There are two thoughts that come to mind when I see those type of comments. The first is that people only know what they read about me so how would they have any idea of what lifestyle I lead and the second is that why would a community that is looking for acceptance themselves in their sex lives judge others who do not share those same activities with them.
The comments I have seen at times always come off sounding as if others who are not into their lifestyle are considered less. As if it is some type of secret society and if you don't live it you are not equal. To me that strikes of total bullshit.
Whatever I choose to be into in my life I try not to judge anyone else for their particular choices. Like Sasha said, what is right for me today, tomorrow or next week may not be right for me in a month or a year.
I think our calendar after party was a great example of bringing many people together with different interests. There was no one talking about living the lifestyle or looking down upon anyone else for what the do or do not do. We all came together to celebrate the success of our calendar and that was all we all needed to have in common.
I don't mean to offend or insult anyone who uses that phrase in their lives and I am sorry if I do, but it confuses the hell out of me because I don't really understand what it exactly means other than that judgemental feeling I get when I see or hear it. I don't know if it means you are poly, kinky or what.
I have such a wide range of people in my life these days who all seem to be into something different. Which one of their lives if the correct lifestyle? Maybe someone can explain better to me and help me understand it because I know that right now all I am trying to do these days is just live my life.
Next up: What exactly does "sex positive" mean?
Friday, December 19, 2008
Where Dacia Makes Diva Cry
This week has been a learning experience for me that resulted in many emotions swirling around in me and I am not sure if I am even ready to write this post yet.
On Monday I attended the Sex Workers Project holiday meet and greet party with Tess and Dacia. Some of the people there had been at our calendar release party but with so many people I never got the chance to meet them so this was a good opportunity for me to talk with some of them. Several of the various sex worker organizations in the city were also at this get together.
People there knew of Tess and I and the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar. A few even bought calendars and asked us to sign them.
This night was an opportunity for me to learn more about the activities of SWP and what they do. There was a presentation at one point during the evening that included a video and some of the podcasts from the SWP website.
As I sat there in my own little world listening to the podcasts of these sex workers talk about their lives and what they deal with day to day I felt guilty. I thought of myself and how uninformed I had been about all of this just a few months ago and the reasons why. I didn't know anyone who was a sex worker. I didn't even know the term sex worker. In my everyday life there was nothing that touched me that made me think about this life. With all the guilt also came the feelings that I didn't belong there. That I didn't deserve to be there. That I wasn't worthy of being involved in this because of all the years I didn't care. That these issues had never mattered to me.
I tried to figure out why it was that I felt this way of not belonging. That I felt like I was an impostor. It wasn't anyone there that I had met who made me feel that way. Working as an advocate for something I believe in or raising money for something is not new to me. I have been doing this for years and never had feelings like this. So why was it that I was feeling this way now in addition to the guilt.
What I have come to realize it that it has to do with sex. When you throw the word sex in there we seem to have different opinions on something. I saw this when Dacia talked about being burnt out in a recent post of hers and how it is expected in the sex industry. How many of us everyday talk about being burnt out in our jobs or career choices yet no one looks at it as an issue. It is expected that people will become burnt out in their jobs yet when you refer to it about a sex worker there is a totally different view on being burnt out.
I think this was going on with me that night. I don't have to have heart disease to raise money for the American Heart Assoc. but I didn't feel worthy about being at this event because I had no experience as a sex worker and didn't pay my dues. That because I didn't have that personal experience I couldn't understand.
I am glad that I attended this event and saw another side than what I knew. The sex workers I know personally live different lives than those in the podcasts I listened to. I only talk about the people I know and their issues but there is so much more than that. Something that I need an entire other post to write about.
The other thing I did this week was attend the vigil for International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers. I had mixed feelings attending this. Anyone who knows me will tell you how much I hate any type of memorial or vigil but I felt it was important for me to be at this vigil.
I attended with Tess and Desiree that night. We wore our red and lit our candles. It wasn't a large group that night there as I stood waiting for it to start with my candle burning. Dacia had organized this vigil and wrote something in advance to say and as she started to speak her voice broke as she tried to hold back both her emotions and the tears that would not be stopped. I stood there with the sound of the city around us and watched Dacia struggle to speak. It was at that point that the tears began to roll down my own cheeks.
I have only known Dacia for a short time but one thing I have sensed about her is that she holds her emotions in. Dacia strikes me as a private person and to see her that night and what that day meant to her touched me so deeply that I can't even put it into words.
Dacia cried that night for the people on a list who had died this past year just like so many all the previous years before because they were sex workers. For some who both their name and age were unknown there would be no families who would ever know what happened or mourn them because they were listed as unknown.
I left there with so many emotions inside of me and not knowing exactly how to process them. I am glad I attended this but after I thought how do you solve something like this. How can you overcome so many issues that surround sex workers and change things for them. It was overwhelming and depressing. But then I thought about how this year there was three people who were at that vigil that were not there last year. There were the the three of us from the calendar who were now involved and that was three more people than there was last year.
It is a small step what we took with this calendar and our involvement but it is one step further than last year and that is a good thing.
On Monday I attended the Sex Workers Project holiday meet and greet party with Tess and Dacia. Some of the people there had been at our calendar release party but with so many people I never got the chance to meet them so this was a good opportunity for me to talk with some of them. Several of the various sex worker organizations in the city were also at this get together.
People there knew of Tess and I and the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar. A few even bought calendars and asked us to sign them.
This night was an opportunity for me to learn more about the activities of SWP and what they do. There was a presentation at one point during the evening that included a video and some of the podcasts from the SWP website.
As I sat there in my own little world listening to the podcasts of these sex workers talk about their lives and what they deal with day to day I felt guilty. I thought of myself and how uninformed I had been about all of this just a few months ago and the reasons why. I didn't know anyone who was a sex worker. I didn't even know the term sex worker. In my everyday life there was nothing that touched me that made me think about this life. With all the guilt also came the feelings that I didn't belong there. That I didn't deserve to be there. That I wasn't worthy of being involved in this because of all the years I didn't care. That these issues had never mattered to me.
I tried to figure out why it was that I felt this way of not belonging. That I felt like I was an impostor. It wasn't anyone there that I had met who made me feel that way. Working as an advocate for something I believe in or raising money for something is not new to me. I have been doing this for years and never had feelings like this. So why was it that I was feeling this way now in addition to the guilt.
What I have come to realize it that it has to do with sex. When you throw the word sex in there we seem to have different opinions on something. I saw this when Dacia talked about being burnt out in a recent post of hers and how it is expected in the sex industry. How many of us everyday talk about being burnt out in our jobs or career choices yet no one looks at it as an issue. It is expected that people will become burnt out in their jobs yet when you refer to it about a sex worker there is a totally different view on being burnt out.
I think this was going on with me that night. I don't have to have heart disease to raise money for the American Heart Assoc. but I didn't feel worthy about being at this event because I had no experience as a sex worker and didn't pay my dues. That because I didn't have that personal experience I couldn't understand.
I am glad that I attended this event and saw another side than what I knew. The sex workers I know personally live different lives than those in the podcasts I listened to. I only talk about the people I know and their issues but there is so much more than that. Something that I need an entire other post to write about.
The other thing I did this week was attend the vigil for International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers. I had mixed feelings attending this. Anyone who knows me will tell you how much I hate any type of memorial or vigil but I felt it was important for me to be at this vigil.
I attended with Tess and Desiree that night. We wore our red and lit our candles. It wasn't a large group that night there as I stood waiting for it to start with my candle burning. Dacia had organized this vigil and wrote something in advance to say and as she started to speak her voice broke as she tried to hold back both her emotions and the tears that would not be stopped. I stood there with the sound of the city around us and watched Dacia struggle to speak. It was at that point that the tears began to roll down my own cheeks.
I have only known Dacia for a short time but one thing I have sensed about her is that she holds her emotions in. Dacia strikes me as a private person and to see her that night and what that day meant to her touched me so deeply that I can't even put it into words.
Dacia cried that night for the people on a list who had died this past year just like so many all the previous years before because they were sex workers. For some who both their name and age were unknown there would be no families who would ever know what happened or mourn them because they were listed as unknown.
I left there with so many emotions inside of me and not knowing exactly how to process them. I am glad I attended this but after I thought how do you solve something like this. How can you overcome so many issues that surround sex workers and change things for them. It was overwhelming and depressing. But then I thought about how this year there was three people who were at that vigil that were not there last year. There were the the three of us from the calendar who were now involved and that was three more people than there was last year.
It is a small step what we took with this calendar and our involvement but it is one step further than last year and that is a good thing.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers - December 17th
I few months ago I wrote something about how I was changing along with my interests. I didn't want to just write about sex anymore on my blog but I was now more interested in the many issues associated with sex overall. I now plan on attending Sex 2.0 next spring in Washington DC as one way to to explore these new interests.
The other as I am sure you know by now is sex workers. I'll be attending the candlelight vigil in NYC next week on December 17th for International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers. Audacia Ray will be MCing this along with Sex Work Awareness being one of the co-sponsors. You can read more of the details for it here.
This is something new for me and I am not sure what it is going to be like for me there. I am not new to attending candlelight vigils or becoming involved in something I believe in. However the issues of sex workers are new to me and something I am learning more about everyday. For years I have heard news reports of sex workers being attacked or killed but like so many others I didn't let it impact my life because it was a world I didn't understand and knew very little of.
Elizabeth has come up with what I think is a great idea for the month of December. She wants to make December "Sex Workers Awareness" month and had some suggestions for how you can help make that happen.
One of the ideas I came up with was to ask two people I know to write something about sex work or sex workers. I then want them to ask two people they know to write something. (anyone remember that old Breck shampoo commercial? If you tell two people and they tell two people and so on and so on) The theory behind this is the more people who are talking about the many different issues associated with sex workers the more people we can reach and hopefully help to see and understand these issues.
One voice is small and quiet on its own but put them all together and they create a roar that can't be ignored forever. You can help support Elizabeth's idea of Sex Workers Awareness month by writing or linking to something about sex workers this month.
If anyone else is thinking of attending the vigil on the 17th in NYC and would like to meet up drop me a note.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
HNT - Show and Tell
I have therapy later today and for the past few weeks my therapist has been asking me to bring a copy of the NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar in for her. Some how I keep forgetting it every week but today I finally remembered.
I really lucked out when I found my therapist back in the beginning of this year. I had heard so many horror stories of people trying to find the a good therapist and I had no clue how to even look for one.
From the first day I met her I liked her and over this past year I have learned to trust both her and myself. When I took that step earlier this past summer and finally told her the entire truth of what had been going on in my life that was a big turning point for me. Without doing that I don't know if I ever would have been able to get off that emotional roller coaster I was on that was slowly destroying my life.
Today should be a fun visit watching her reaction to the calendar and hearing what she thinks about it.
Because some days life is just really great I am sharing my happiness and leaving you with a cleavage of the week picture for HNT. Enjoy!
I really lucked out when I found my therapist back in the beginning of this year. I had heard so many horror stories of people trying to find the a good therapist and I had no clue how to even look for one.
From the first day I met her I liked her and over this past year I have learned to trust both her and myself. When I took that step earlier this past summer and finally told her the entire truth of what had been going on in my life that was a big turning point for me. Without doing that I don't know if I ever would have been able to get off that emotional roller coaster I was on that was slowly destroying my life.
Today should be a fun visit watching her reaction to the calendar and hearing what she thinks about it.
Because some days life is just really great I am sharing my happiness and leaving you with a cleavage of the week picture for HNT. Enjoy!
Also, if you haven't bought your NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar yet go on over and pick one up. The entire $20 you spend goes to what I consider a great cause supporting Sex Work Awareness.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
My Reason Why
I have touched on this a little bit in a few posts that I have written recently but after reading Dacia's latest post on both her blog and Bound Not Gagged I wanted to say something more about my personal reasons for being involved with the NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar.
Tess had come up with the idea to create the calendar which I thought was a great thing for all of us together to do but it was choosing who would benefit from the sales of the calendar that was most important. I didn't get involved and do all of this work for page loads, name recognition or the media I have received. I did it because it was something that personally touched my life and I believed in which all basically started from an email I received from Dacia before the calendar was ever a thought.
I had written what I considered one simple sentence in a post but it struck her deeply. She sent me an email about what I had written and asked me some questions. She gave me some things to think about and boy did I. We have had several conversations since then on this and what I realized is that what I wrote was coming from something more personal in my life at that moment yet it was a blanket statement towards all sex workers. It also showed me that my only impression or knowledge of sex workers was from both the media and entertainment industry.
It was shortly after this that the calendar idea came up and Sex Work Awareness was chosen as the organization that would benefit. My passion and drive on this is because it is something I not only believe in but am actual proof of. Because of my life as a blogger it has given me the opportunity to meet and get to personally know sex workers. I was fortunate that I had someone like Dacia who spent the time discussing my views and knowledge of sex workers. I don't think she ever realized what that one email would do for me or that I would not hesitate to email her for more knowledge. As this project went on Dacia would find herself the recipient of emails from me in my quest for more information about Sex Work Awareness and sex workers. I think we might have surprised each other in the end.
I also had women like Rebecca and Catalina in my life whom I saw first hand what can happen when the people around you are close minded and uneducated about sex workers. How the stigma associated with sex workers can affect their entire lives.
It was two days before Rebecca's trip to NYC last month that she told me she would have to cancel because of what was going on in her life. She had been forced to leave where she was living with her family after being outed for being an escort. Tess and I worked our magic and made sure Rebecca joined us in NYC that weekend because as I said to Rebecca on the phone as we talked about what had happened, it was women like her that we were doing all of this work for. To be able to change the opinions of people and remove the stigma associated with being a sex worker. Rebecca was the classic example of one of the risks sex workers face in their lives.
I looked at my own life that was so similar in many ways to the life Rebecca and Catalina had with her families. We all were struggling to raise our children. Rebecca and I both belonged to the PTA and had been girl scout leaders. We never hesitated to volunteer at our children's schools yet just as Rebecca was shunned once it was revealed she was an escort I know that there are many people in my community that would treat me exactly the same if my friendships with sex workers and fund raising for SWA was revealed. I would be stigmatized just for my association with sex workers.
By me writing one small line in a post and Dacia sending me that one email many things have resulted. I was one person who was able to see a different view and in turn put my energy into working towards others seeing the same.
Now just like Elizabeth did yesterday I would ask that you all also do something to help us make December "Sex Workers Awareness" month. You don't need to know a sex worker personally to write about sex workers or show support for our calendar. As Dacia said:
This is a small difference and hopefully our contribution can help SWA accomplish their goal as outlined in their mission statement but we have to start somewhere and for me it stated with an email.
You never know when something you do or say can change someones views and opinions. A $20 donation to SWA when you purchase our calendar will go to helping SWA achieve their mission statement.
Tess had come up with the idea to create the calendar which I thought was a great thing for all of us together to do but it was choosing who would benefit from the sales of the calendar that was most important. I didn't get involved and do all of this work for page loads, name recognition or the media I have received. I did it because it was something that personally touched my life and I believed in which all basically started from an email I received from Dacia before the calendar was ever a thought.
I had written what I considered one simple sentence in a post but it struck her deeply. She sent me an email about what I had written and asked me some questions. She gave me some things to think about and boy did I. We have had several conversations since then on this and what I realized is that what I wrote was coming from something more personal in my life at that moment yet it was a blanket statement towards all sex workers. It also showed me that my only impression or knowledge of sex workers was from both the media and entertainment industry.
It was shortly after this that the calendar idea came up and Sex Work Awareness was chosen as the organization that would benefit. My passion and drive on this is because it is something I not only believe in but am actual proof of. Because of my life as a blogger it has given me the opportunity to meet and get to personally know sex workers. I was fortunate that I had someone like Dacia who spent the time discussing my views and knowledge of sex workers. I don't think she ever realized what that one email would do for me or that I would not hesitate to email her for more knowledge. As this project went on Dacia would find herself the recipient of emails from me in my quest for more information about Sex Work Awareness and sex workers. I think we might have surprised each other in the end.
I also had women like Rebecca and Catalina in my life whom I saw first hand what can happen when the people around you are close minded and uneducated about sex workers. How the stigma associated with sex workers can affect their entire lives.
It was two days before Rebecca's trip to NYC last month that she told me she would have to cancel because of what was going on in her life. She had been forced to leave where she was living with her family after being outed for being an escort. Tess and I worked our magic and made sure Rebecca joined us in NYC that weekend because as I said to Rebecca on the phone as we talked about what had happened, it was women like her that we were doing all of this work for. To be able to change the opinions of people and remove the stigma associated with being a sex worker. Rebecca was the classic example of one of the risks sex workers face in their lives.
I looked at my own life that was so similar in many ways to the life Rebecca and Catalina had with her families. We all were struggling to raise our children. Rebecca and I both belonged to the PTA and had been girl scout leaders. We never hesitated to volunteer at our children's schools yet just as Rebecca was shunned once it was revealed she was an escort I know that there are many people in my community that would treat me exactly the same if my friendships with sex workers and fund raising for SWA was revealed. I would be stigmatized just for my association with sex workers.
By me writing one small line in a post and Dacia sending me that one email many things have resulted. I was one person who was able to see a different view and in turn put my energy into working towards others seeing the same.
Now just like Elizabeth did yesterday I would ask that you all also do something to help us make December "Sex Workers Awareness" month. You don't need to know a sex worker personally to write about sex workers or show support for our calendar. As Dacia said:
I know that a conversation or an email thread with one person seems like a tiny thing. And throwing in $20 towards a calendar seems tiny too - but the sex worker activist movement is small, and every little bit counts.
This is a small difference and hopefully our contribution can help SWA accomplish their goal as outlined in their mission statement but we have to start somewhere and for me it stated with an email.
Mission Statement
We believe that all sex workers have a right to self-determination; to choose how we make a living and what we do with our bodies.
We aim to empower our diverse community by building the capacity of sex worker-serving and sex worker member-based institutions as well as the skills and resources of sex workers themselves.
We also conduct research about sex workers and the sex industry in order to better understand it, develop public education initiatives, and advocate for the rights of sex workers.
You never know when something you do or say can change someones views and opinions. A $20 donation to SWA when you purchase our calendar will go to helping SWA achieve their mission statement.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Myths of the "Female" Sex Blogger - Part 2
Yesterday I posted "Myths of the Sex Blogger" and received some interesting feedback on it. That post was based on several conversations with other bloggers I know with the last one occurring at lunch the other day.
The one thing I didn't take into account when I wrote that post is that these conversations I had were primarily among all female bloggers. What I was to find out is that the male sex blogger has different experiences than what I and my other sex blogger friends talked about.
Sylvanus yesterday on twitter told me he never had experienced any of the myths I wrote about and then went on to write his own post detailing some of the experiences he has had being one half of a blogging couple.
I also received a few comments and DM's from men who said they did think about sex 24/7. I however didn't hear from any women telling me that so I can only think that women have a different thought process when it comes to thinking about sex. I know a few who think about very expensive shoes a lot of the time instead of sex 24/7. I don't know about anyone else but in my daily life I am thinking of my children, my home, my job and what I am making for dinner that night. I juggle so many things during the day that I don't have 24/7 to think about only sex.
The other point that came up was my comment about unsolicited cock shots. Over the course of my blogging life I have seen this pop up (no pun intended) several times. I have thought about what it is for me personally that makes the unsolicited cock shot unappealing to me. I mean I like cock so why wouldn't I want to have strangers sending me cock shots. Yet sometimes I think I feel it is disrespectful to send a stranger one just because they write a sex blog. Maybe it boils down to respect for me and how I personally perceive receiving those shots.
I also think my feelings on this is because when it comes to sex for me I need and want more than just any cock. No matter how big, hard or perfect someones cock might be I need to have some type of connection to that person also. Anyone can have a perfect cock but I need to like and respect the person it is attached to. I want intelligence along with the cock. Preferably a sense of humor and something that makes me want your cock. It isn't just a matter of being horny that makes me crave to go down on you and suck your cock. It is more than that for me.
I can find pictures online at any given moment if I want to look at cocks but to open an email and see an unsolicited one from someone who wants to correspond with me does turn me off. Then there is that whole question of what exactly is the correct response to the email that I wrote about here. Do I say, "Nice cock" or "Is that all?" If I like you, your writing, who you are as a person I am more than happy for a cock shot but if I have absolutely no clue who you are then you're first contact with me I don't want to be a picture of your cock.
Now Graydancer also read my post and questioned about this because he has received unsolicited boobie shots that lead to an entire feature on his blog. He commented that he didn't know of anyone who didn't like getting these shots (male or female) but how rare pussy shots were. He wrote about it on his own blog also.
Here is another example in the differences between the male and female sex blogger. Gray was right when he said about the unsolicited boobie shots from what I have seen and how I personally feel. He also made me think about those pussy shots compared to cock shots and he was right again. Why is that? What is it about men that they will not hesitate to send cock shots but most women will only send boobie shots? Why is it we won't send a picture of our pussy?
It is hard to try to figure out why these differences exist in the sex blogging world because for one thing there are so many more women blogging then men. (Which is another post in itself) Among the fewer men who blog many are also blogging as part of a couple. Sylvanus in his post wrote about how he is perceived as the other half of a blogging couple which I thought was very interesting. It made me wonder what are the reasons that Mina receives more contact from people than he does? Are men just more comfortable contacting a woman online or is it that women are more respectful of the relationship Sylvanus and Mina have and know that neither of them are interested in anyone else?
All of this has left me wondering more and who knows maybe another post in the future.
The one thing I didn't take into account when I wrote that post is that these conversations I had were primarily among all female bloggers. What I was to find out is that the male sex blogger has different experiences than what I and my other sex blogger friends talked about.
Sylvanus yesterday on twitter told me he never had experienced any of the myths I wrote about and then went on to write his own post detailing some of the experiences he has had being one half of a blogging couple.
I also received a few comments and DM's from men who said they did think about sex 24/7. I however didn't hear from any women telling me that so I can only think that women have a different thought process when it comes to thinking about sex. I know a few who think about very expensive shoes a lot of the time instead of sex 24/7. I don't know about anyone else but in my daily life I am thinking of my children, my home, my job and what I am making for dinner that night. I juggle so many things during the day that I don't have 24/7 to think about only sex.
The other point that came up was my comment about unsolicited cock shots. Over the course of my blogging life I have seen this pop up (no pun intended) several times. I have thought about what it is for me personally that makes the unsolicited cock shot unappealing to me. I mean I like cock so why wouldn't I want to have strangers sending me cock shots. Yet sometimes I think I feel it is disrespectful to send a stranger one just because they write a sex blog. Maybe it boils down to respect for me and how I personally perceive receiving those shots.
I also think my feelings on this is because when it comes to sex for me I need and want more than just any cock. No matter how big, hard or perfect someones cock might be I need to have some type of connection to that person also. Anyone can have a perfect cock but I need to like and respect the person it is attached to. I want intelligence along with the cock. Preferably a sense of humor and something that makes me want your cock. It isn't just a matter of being horny that makes me crave to go down on you and suck your cock. It is more than that for me.
I can find pictures online at any given moment if I want to look at cocks but to open an email and see an unsolicited one from someone who wants to correspond with me does turn me off. Then there is that whole question of what exactly is the correct response to the email that I wrote about here. Do I say, "Nice cock" or "Is that all?" If I like you, your writing, who you are as a person I am more than happy for a cock shot but if I have absolutely no clue who you are then you're first contact with me I don't want to be a picture of your cock.
Now Graydancer also read my post and questioned about this because he has received unsolicited boobie shots that lead to an entire feature on his blog. He commented that he didn't know of anyone who didn't like getting these shots (male or female) but how rare pussy shots were. He wrote about it on his own blog also.
Here is another example in the differences between the male and female sex blogger. Gray was right when he said about the unsolicited boobie shots from what I have seen and how I personally feel. He also made me think about those pussy shots compared to cock shots and he was right again. Why is that? What is it about men that they will not hesitate to send cock shots but most women will only send boobie shots? Why is it we won't send a picture of our pussy?
It is hard to try to figure out why these differences exist in the sex blogging world because for one thing there are so many more women blogging then men. (Which is another post in itself) Among the fewer men who blog many are also blogging as part of a couple. Sylvanus in his post wrote about how he is perceived as the other half of a blogging couple which I thought was very interesting. It made me wonder what are the reasons that Mina receives more contact from people than he does? Are men just more comfortable contacting a woman online or is it that women are more respectful of the relationship Sylvanus and Mina have and know that neither of them are interested in anyone else?
All of this has left me wondering more and who knows maybe another post in the future.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Myths Of A Sex Blogger
There seems to be several myths about the life of a sex blogger out there so I thought maybe I would post what is actually fact and what is fiction in regard to your typical sex bloggers life.
NOTE: This is based on my life and the lives of the many friends I know who are also sex bloggers. I am not speaking for anyone else here.
Fiction. We have lives that prevent us from doing that even if we did have the stamina for it. With a few exceptions most of us are either full time students, have demanding careers or both. I don’t know about your boss but I know mine would not be happy if I spent my day sucking off co-workers instead of actually working.
2. If we are not having sex we are thinking of sex or planning our next sexual encounter.
Fiction. Please see answer to number one above.
3. We are pathetic individuals with something lacking in our lives because we write about sex.
Fiction. The sex bloggers who I consider my friends lead very fulfilling lives but they are also open and honest about their sexuality and take pleasure with sharing that part of their lives with others.
4. Everything you read on a blog must be true.
Fiction. Just because something is written in a blog does not make it true or accurate. It is only that individual writers personal words. Because people blog mostly anonymous we have no way of knowing if anything they write is ever the truth.
5. A sex bloggers entire life is written on their blog.
Fiction. I can’t speak for anyone else but for me personally only about 10% of my life ends up on my blog or my twitter. There is a lot I choose not to write about for reasons such as privacy and keeping my identity anonymous.
6. All sex bloggers are thin, beautiful and hot because those are the only people who have sex.
Fiction. I don’t know where the notion that only thin beautiful people have sex but this myth it right up there with Myth #1.
7. Sex bloggers love to receive unsolicited cock shots when they open their email.
Fiction. I like both sex and cock as much as the next person but like everyone else I have no desire for strangers to email me cock shots I never asked for.
These are just a few of the myths I have seen about sex bloggers in the year since I became one. I hope I have not spoiled anyone’s fantasy of us by writing this.
I am also sure many of you my fellow sex bloggers have other myths you have come across so please feel free to add your own in the comments of this post. I remember always asking for that sex blogger manual when I first started writing last year. Maybe I can put that together now based on some of these things.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Rebecca
My friend Rebecca has a post up over on Sex In The Public Square. I was so happy when I heard she was going to write her story for Elizabeth over there. Please take a moment to go over there and read it.
I first got to know Rebecca a few months ago when I started working on the calendar. Over time I have gotten to know her much better. Not as a sex worker but as a wife, mother and friend. I think it is important for people to see how much not only Rebecca's life has been effected by being outed but that of her family also.
Recently I saw a news story about a school lunch/recess aide whom the school system was trying to fire because she made adult films five years ago. FIVE YEARS! I don't know about anyone else but in my town school lunch/recess aides are the lowest paid jobs and have the shittiest hours.
Why what this woman did five years ago should have any effect on her current position is beyond me. Some of the comments from parents were ludicrous. It was as if this woman had leprosy and was going to infect all their children with crazy sex desires or something.
Should we create and Island of former sex workers to protect everyone from them. Give me a break. How ignorant can someone be.
This woman was outed just like Rebecca and so many others. It seems lately I am hearing more and more of sex workers being outed. It makes me wonder why.
I first got to know Rebecca a few months ago when I started working on the calendar. Over time I have gotten to know her much better. Not as a sex worker but as a wife, mother and friend. I think it is important for people to see how much not only Rebecca's life has been effected by being outed but that of her family also.
Recently I saw a news story about a school lunch/recess aide whom the school system was trying to fire because she made adult films five years ago. FIVE YEARS! I don't know about anyone else but in my town school lunch/recess aides are the lowest paid jobs and have the shittiest hours.
Why what this woman did five years ago should have any effect on her current position is beyond me. Some of the comments from parents were ludicrous. It was as if this woman had leprosy and was going to infect all their children with crazy sex desires or something.
Should we create and Island of former sex workers to protect everyone from them. Give me a break. How ignorant can someone be.
This woman was outed just like Rebecca and so many others. It seems lately I am hearing more and more of sex workers being outed. It makes me wonder why.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Diva Loves Catalina
There have been several people who have impacted my life over these last months and Catalina is one of them. As I have previously written I became aware of Catalina when she posted the appeal for her daughter this past summer. At the time I was going through a rough patch in my life and was not sure if I wanted to continue writing my blog.
Seeing the outpouring of support for Catalina was wonderful. It showed me an entirely different view of what this blogging commUNITY was capable of. From that point on I became a regular reader of Catalina’s many blogs.
It would be a few weeks later that Tess and I would start working on the NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar. Tess had asked Catalina’s advice on many of the ideas and decisions we had and before we knew it Catalina was on board as not only a full supporter of the project but also donated all her PR work for it.
Over the course of these past few months I have been lucky to get to know her even better. I watched as Catalina would offer her help to anyone in this commUNITY who needed it. I saw all she did to help Butterfly with both emotional and financial support these past months and the differences she has made.
I refer to Catalina as the hardest working blogger I know. Without her knowledge, guidance and hard work this calendar would not be the success it is. Catalina helped us to contact sponsors, sell days on the calendar and worked with me in those beginning weeks to come up with new marketing plans for all of this.
What I find really special about all of this is that Catalina did not know Tess or I when she got involved in this. She didn’t do it to help out a couple of her friends but did it because it was something she fully believed in as not only something good this commUNITY together could accomplish but also her support of Sex Work Awareness.
This experience and getting to know Catalina along with many others showed me a different perspective of this commUNITY than what I knew all those months prior. It showed me that there are many individuals in this commUNITY who will not hesitate to jump in and offer their help expecting nothing in return for it. I saw many people involved in this project who volunteered their time to help make all of this happen without being concerned with promoting themselves. Overall this experience was amazing to see what all of us working together could accomplish.
As I got to know Catalina better I found we had things in common in our personal lives and that we thought alike on many issues. There were days we talked about sex toy raffles, free porn and what our kids would have for dinner. We jumped from one subject to another without having a problem following each other.
With Catalina’s advice and guidance we all worked together to sell almost 300 days on the calendar within a 10 day period. That was remarkable considering no one had even heard of this calendar until we launched our blog.
We were creative with marketing ideas and nothing was off limits. I think our best idea was when we made Tess wear turtlenecks and withhold her Cleavage of the Day pictures until enough days were sold. Our marketing of this calendar was even praised in another blog post.
After so many months knowing each other only online I would finally get to meet Catalina in person along with Rebecca when I picked them all up at Tess’s house to head into the city for our party.
It was big smiles and hugs when we met and the laughs never ended until we parted ways the next day. There were many great memories of my weekend with Catalina and everyone else but a few special ones stand out for me.
One was within five minutes of us meeting when Catalina turned to me after hearing Tess and I discussing the last minute details of the party and told me how sorry she felt for me acting as Tess’s assistant all those months. She finally understood that slave relationship I kept talking about. I think it was at this point when she first offered me meds.
Another great memory was our 3am pizza run. Somehow I ended up going out for pizza with Catalina and the guys from Njoy in the LES at 3am. I don’t remember who came up with the idea but I think we all decided to blame Match for it because he had pizza delivered to our room at one point that night.
By 3am I was already in my pajamas when we decided to go. I thought about my last visit to the LES and the girl who was walking around with nothing on other than a strap on. I figured I would be sufficiently dressed with what I had on.
You might wonder what do two sex bloggers and the owners of the best sex toy company talk about over pizza at 3am. I found myself in a packed pizza restaurant discussing design, marketing, sales, sex toys and sex. At one point a young (drunk) woman walked over to borrow our cheese. As she stood there weaving and looking down at us Greg told her Catalina and I were sex writers. There was no response from her other than more weaving. She then proceeded to borrow our salt and Greg once again spoke to her telling her the rest of them made sex toys. Again, there was no response from her. She returned our salt and stumbled away. So much for that exciting life of a sex blogger we have.
There were many things I would learn about Catalina that weekend. One was that she doesn’t like to get out of bed. Catalina likes her beauty sleep. That must be the reason she is so gorgeous. The next morning she was true to that and was still in bed while the rest of us were up, packed and ready. I’m not complaining about that because it did give me the opportunity to crawl into bed with her one last time.
Another thing I learned is that Catalina likes to over pack. I don’t know if it was the cold she was worried about or if she thought she was going on a three week safari but Catalina must have emptied out her closet when she left home for that four day visit. If anyone needed a corset for the party she had it. I needed a sweater and flip flops for our pizza run. She had it. I was waiting to see Marky D. Sade to next climb out of that suitcase.
The last thing I discovered about Catalina is don’t take your eyes off your plate if she is sitting across from you. I was busy watching the make out session with everyone at brunch and when I glanced back down again my pancake seemed to have disappeared. (That could explain how she gained those 5 lbs in NYC)
In closing I want to say I am very grateful that not only have I gotten to know Catalina but now also have her as a good friend in my life. This past summer when I was at a point that I questioned what the hell was wrong with people I came across someone like Catalina who just like Tess will do anything to help anyone out. She has both a big heart and a huge amount of energy which she does not hesitate to put to good use for others in this commUNITY.
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