Crazy Train

It all started with an email from Jefferson asking me to work my internet magic to help him find an apartment. I knew he had already applied for one but somehow it had now fallen through. I never did find out the exact reason for that as every time I asked he didn't seem to have a clear answer as to why. I would later come to understand that Jefferson was unable to do these types of things on his own. Just like how now he has a group of people solving his latest problems Jefferson was unable to solve his apartment problems on his own.

I emailed with him and asked a few questions to see what he was looking for and where because I didn't know the city that well. Within a few hours I had found a real estate agent and had also made an appointment for us to look at an apartment the next day. That would begin six weeks of what I liked to call riding the crazy train.

When we met with the realtor I spoke with him to find out the details about renting in the city such as what was required for him to be approved and I even ended up negotiating lower broker fees for Jefferson. It wasn't long before we found out Jefferson needed someone else on the lease. At this point he was under a deadline to move and didn't have many options. I would also find out that Jefferson asked two other people to co-sign his lease for him. They both happen to be FOJ members which I find ironic. They both declined to take the financial risk and put their names on a lease for Jefferson being fully aware of the fact he didn't work. These two people knew that if Jefferson did not have a place to live he would be forced to give up custody to his ex wife. One of them even wrote to Jefferson explaining all of this and the fact that he had not taken the steps to get a job was putting him at risk of losing custody. She also wrote how much it would take to get custody of the children back but declined to put her name on his lease. It left me as the only person who would agree to co-sign with him.

I knew it was a huge mistake to do and I hated the chaos and stress of those six weeks that I went through this. It was a crazy time for both Jefferson and myself and led me to stop blogging about him at one point due to all the pressure. I was not fully aware of Jefferson's lack of employment up until this point. It wasn't until I saw his W2 that I became aware of other things about him. I was unaware about his arrangement for living in the apartment owned by his in laws. I had just assumed he was like everyone else and had to pay rent and bills to live there. It is also because I saw his personal information that I knew for a fact what was written in that FOJ appeal was a lie. I knew in what field Jefferson mainly earned any income last year and it wasn't from writing.

I realized at one point I could not sign this lease. My reason however wasn't the financial risk I would be taking. Bridget had told me she would make sure that Jefferson paid the rent every month on time because we couldn't take the risk due to the fact I was married and I trusted her at the time. The reason that I decided I would not sign the lease was because I didn't want to be tied to Jefferson for a full year. Up until that point I was free to walk away at any point and by signing a lease with him that would tie me to him for a full year. I could not do that. I always knew my time with Jefferson was limited. I knew I was going through some things in my life and this was how I chose to deal with them. I knew that I needed to end my relationship with Jefferson because it was fucking me up more all the time but I also knew at that point in my life I didn't have the strength to do that. I remember driving to work one morning about a week before the deadline to sign the lease with no prospects in sight. I remember hoping that it would stay that way so all of this would be over then. I would not be the one responsible for Jefferson losing custody if an apartment wasn't available and if Jefferson didn't have a place to live I would no longer be able to see him. All the hard decisions that I was having so much trouble making would be decided for me.

It was an emotional roller coaster that I have talked about. The day after Bridget's wedding Jefferson emailed me. I had told him the day before the wedding I couldn't sign the lease. He emailed me as if I never sent that first email. He talked about looking at apartments the next day with the realtor. I once again told him I couldn't sign a lease for him. After several emails we ended up discussing this on the phone for almost an hour. I couldn't do it no matter what was said. I couldn't give up that freedom to walk away from my relationship with Jefferson at anytime I wanted to. I know I have control issues and being tied to Jefferson like that for a year when I knew I had no control over what he did made it impossible for me to sign. Nothing seemed to be resolved with that phone call and I felt awful that I was not going to sign. I felt so much pressure because I was his last option at that point and without me signing he wouldn't have a place to live which meant losing custody of his children. As a mother I couldn't even begin to imagine that. It broke my heart to think of what this would do to his children and I felt guilty for not helping him even though none of this was my responsibility. I don't think at that point I realized that I was enabling Jefferson. I also think it wasn't until this point that I stated to get the real picture of who Jefferson was. I then received four separate emails in a row from Jefferson. If anyone knows Jefferson they know that he very rarely sends an email. He usually only responds to emails that are sent to him. Several of the emails were pictures of his children from Bridget's wedding. Jefferson knew I was a sucker for when he emailed me pictures of his children. He had sent me Christmas pictures of them opening gifts I had bought for them or pictures of his daughter when I had sent her the latest Hannah Montana stuff enjoying what I had sent her. He knew what my reaction to the wedding pictures would be and I knew what he was doing at that point. I could see it clearly and I wrote back to him to please leave me alone and told him if he ever cared about me he would just go away. He didn't of course.

In the end I gave in and said I would sign knowing it was a big mistake. But hell I had already made a lot of them these past few months and I was still riding that crazy train. Things were crazy right down to the last day he had to sign a lease by. In the end it was me who had to tell him what to do and encourage him that it was the right choice he was making. It turned out I wasn't needed in the end for Jefferson's lease and I can only say someone was watching over me that day.

It was after Jefferson moved that I knew my relationship was not going to last much longer no matter how much I hung in there. I no longer felt as happy making that drive into the city but I still went every week to see him. I would also still have a great time when I was with him but it was never quite the same after all of that. I now saw Jefferson in a different light and no matter how much I tried to push it aside it was still there. I remember at one point feeling burnt out with dealing with all of Jefferson's problems. It seemed that was all there was anymore and I had enough of my own already.