There have been many posts this week in response to Jefferson's latest cry for help. I am not going to link them because I think by now we have all seen them. I have wrestled with the decision to write about this even though several people encouraged me to say something publicly.
In my debate about not only should I write but what I wanted to say I thought about the many things that I have been through these past months. I thought about all the people involved and how all of this plays out in both our personal lives and the blog world. But most of all I have thought of the three children who are involved.
Before anyone starts saying that I am kicking someone when they are down or asks why I didn't bring up these issues before now, let me say that I did. Many times as a matter of fact. Not only directly in person to Jefferson but also in writing.
With that said let me break my silence.
First I want to say that I personally do not want to see Jefferson ever lose custody of his children. However my reasons I think are different than that of others for not wanting this to happen. I think of these three young children who love their Dad and have no idea why this has happened or who Jefferson is. I think of these children who very likely might pay the price for his actions of the past several years. I think about the confusion and hurt they will face in the future if this does come about. And it really pisses me off that he allowed this to happen by both his own actions and words.
I remember the first day I met Jefferson telling him how I stumbled across his blog and asking if I could find it like that didn't he worry about his ex wife finding it. I will never forget that conversation or my concerns in regard to all of this happening.
I lived front and center in Jefferson's world for many of these past months. I was a key part of his move and quite frankly it would never have happened if I had not done all I had right down to finding him a mover. My main motivation at the time was his children. I knew that if Jefferson didn't have a place to live he would lose custody of his children.
I moved heaven and earth to get him a place. Even as far as agreeing to risk myself by putting my name on a lease for him if needed, knowing full well he had no idea how he would make the rent payment. I didn't worry about Jefferson if he lost his children. I knew as an adult he would survive. But I worried about his children. Why should they have their lives disrupted and pay the price for him not taking the necessary steps to ensure their well being such as getting a job and having a place for them to live to prevent that?
It broke my heart to think of the kids being separated from him. I remember telling Jefferson that I was worried how on Thursday nights Jason and Collie would not be able to watch Lost with him which to me was such an important bonding moment for them. It was those types of thoughts that drove me as I tried to find him a place to live knowing deep down it would have been a HUGE mistake for me to sign that lease.
I enabled Jefferson by solving the problem of his move for him. Personally I don't think he learned from it at all. I look at the reasons Jefferson was forced to move out of his apartment. The sex parties he had for years there. Both I and someone else close to him warned him he needed to behave and lay low in his new apartment after what happened at his last place. However I questioned if I did Jefferson any favors when shortly after moving into his new apartment I read a post on the internet available to everyone else describing him hosting a bukake party in his new place.
Jefferson is free to do whatever he wants in his sex life. We all know in advance of getting involved with him that he has relationships with other people, but as a parent what I saw was a man who would put his lease at risk by having that party and therefore risk the custody of his children so he could continue being Jefferson.
Before there are any outcries about me writing that in light of his current custody fight what I just wrote was common knowledge to anyone reading his round ups and the blogs linked there and by simply following links. It is posted for all to see including Jefferson's ex wife and her attorney.
Now there is an appeal out there requesting help once again for Jefferson. This time it is his fight to keep his children. An appeal that quite frankly in my personal opinion is misleading to the public at large.
I particularly have an issue with this line in it,
As a writer, his resources are limited
I have a real problem with that because in my opinion that line is misleading. Jefferson maybe a writer but that is not all he is. He has held jobs in the past in another field that supported both him and his family.
Jefferson and the FOJ's must also understand that when you go out and ask for $20,000 you have to know that some people will take issue with that or at the very least question it. When there is an appeal that to my feeling is misleading to the general public that is wrong and we as the public should be allowed our voice in disagreeing with that just like Jefferson is looking for protection from the first amendment now as stated in his online appeal.
People can say what they want about Jefferson working or why he hasn't but you can't mask the fact, as it looks like was done in his appeal, that he has hardly worked in the last four years.
It can be said he is looking for jobs but the fact that he didn't have $1 to put towards both his move and now his legal fees says that he clearly is not working nearly enough. In some ways it was me and others like me who supported his children this year between his rent and clothing for his children.
Everything I did for Jefferson and his children I did freely and I do not bring it up now to speak against it in anyway. However the public is unaware that this man who is a great Dad and wants your help fighting for his children cannot seem to clothe and shelter them. It is his lovers and friends who do it. No matter how much Jefferson loves his kids that fact cannot be changed and is well known in his circle. One of those dirty secrets that have been referred to elsewhere.
Because of all of that I do know I have a BIG problem with how this entire thing is being misrepresented. Once again excuses are being made for him.
Maybe we should also all ask ourselves why such respected people in the sex community and blog world are not coming out in support of this appeal though no one including myself has said he should lose his kids.
The questions of why people are speaking out now have also been raised. As far as I am concerned I think people will keep their mouths shut over things like this because there really isn't any reason to air gripes or dirty laundry. What lover or ex-lover wants to go on a blog and bash Jefferson when so many of his blogettes are there to make comments and attack them for speaking out against him. What right of it of ours to do so when he is living according to his own standards. It becomes our right to question this when he asks the sex positive community, the blog community and the general public for money.
All of this upsets me no matter if I am involved with Jefferson or not. There are still three children here and it really pisses me off that he let this happen. Because in the end he can't blame anyone else but himself and this is something Jefferson needs to both understand and accept along with everyone else who is enabling him right now in this.
Yes he had the freedom to write that blog but he always knew Lucy could use it against him if she found it. When he gave the TONY interview he told me he was worried about it. He once again knew the risk that Lucy could see it very easily and recognize him. He had even blogged that in his round up that week when he joked that he hoped she didn't have a dentist appointment that week.
People can think whatever they want about me and my reasons for saying this publicly now. I know my reasons and I also know that there was much more I could have said and didn't because I haven't lost sight that these three children's lives are now being turned upside down because of what their father chose to do or not do and his choice to write his blog in the face of what he has always claimed was a vindictive ex-wife.
I wish Jefferson would see why things are being said and maybe learn something from it all. People are making comments about his drinking. We can read right on my blog I was one of those many women who enabled him by bringing him bourbon as instructed by him the first few times we met.
I have seen a lot over these months and there is much I don't say now because of the position Jefferson is in right now. At the same time I also refuse to stay completely silent on this and watch this runaway train once again in its quest to save Jefferson. I have ridden that train. It isn't an easy ride.
People question if this is a good time for this. Can someone tell me when a good time would be? If he didn't change or learn anything from almost being homeless and losing his children when he needed to move how will anything be different if we all once again bail him out of this latest problem. What will change if we once again allow his actions to go unchecked and just solve his problems for him?
I think we also need to look at a bigger picture here than just the issue that he is bisexual. There was an awful lot of content in his blog and I personally find it hard to believe that the only issue he is fighting is that. Yet that is the only issue that was listed on that appeal for his legal defense fund.
It is very sad that so many of us have contributed to enabling him to continue down this path unchecked for so long and many are still doing it even now with this latest crisis. I for one am guilty of it and to this day still fight the urge to reach out and rescue Jefferson from his latest problems.
I honestly don't know what will happen to Jefferson or how he will get through all of this if he does in fact lose his children. I don't know how his children will adjust to that change and the loss of so much time with their Dad if that were to happen.
I know Jefferson does love his children and they love him. But I also think they deserved so much more from their father these past few years. They deserved the basic safety of his custody and he knowingly put that at risk in many ways with his overall actions these past few years. Actions that have less to do with the fact of his sexuality, bi, straight or otherwise, or how many partners or orgies he may have, but more to the basic fact that he has not worked and not been able to support his children without the help of friends and lovers. Again, his own blog documents his appeals for money.
That is all I have to say about this for now. If any of you want to help him with this fight and donate to his defense fund go click on his blog over on my blogroll to make your contribution to his legal defense fund.
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21 comments:
Wow, for once we're actually in agreement on something.
Very well put, as well.
I feel sympathy for the kids too. But in a sense, having a father that gets away with things and where the children see no real consequences is destructive as well. Losing custody is not a permanent condition. If it is lost and Jefferson reforms (and no, I am not saying that there is a need for a sexual reformation, just a responsibility reformation), then he can petition to get custody back. And then the children will see that lack of responsibility has consequences and responsibility has rewards. Not a pleasant situation, but it is what it is and when there are no really good answers, sometimes you just take the least worst solution.
Loving your children is unconditional.
Providing for them is the sign of a responsible adult.
He obviously has shown a very large character flaw by putting his sexual escapades ahead of providing for his kids on his own.
It could have been something as simple as "hey I can't have the bukakke party tuesday I have to work can we do it friday instead?"
From what I read he would not lose total custody of his kids. He would have reduced or supervised visits. Not to be cruel but maybe this is the wake up call he needs to get a job and put earning a decent wage to support his kids without being the equivlent of a whore ahead of sexual exploits.
17 year olds brag about who they fuck.
Everyone else works so they have time to fuck.
So after a few years when he is back to being an adult making a life for himself and not living a lifestyle he can get more time with his kids.
Wow. It must be difficult to realize/admit you were an enabler.
I often wondered about all the bourbon that was giggled about in all the sex stories. Everyone wrote so flippantly about it. I kept thinking "His house must contain tons of half-full bottles!" Maybe not from what I'm reading everywhere.
But it's pretty heart-breaking to care about an alcoholic. We've been dealing with it in my family for years now; and even as it's come to a head recently for us, there are still some in my family who continue enabling. There's obviously a reward for the enabler as well. I guess in his case, the reward was awesome sex for those folks. Never occurred to me until now, could his behavior be considered whoring? You bring booze, he fucks you. Prostitutes often exchange sex for goods. In fact, BookSaga had a prostitute post about how she fucks for expensive books. It's just called bartering when we do it with couches and plumbing work. To be honest, I never thought ALL of the tales from his blog could be true, but now I'm thinking so if this many people are commenting on it.
his choice to write his blog in the face of what he has always claimed was a vindictive ex-wife.
I'm always suspicious whenever I have access to only one side of the story. Always.
Ursula,
Let me correct of few things. In all the time I have known Jefferson I have only actually ever saw him drunk once. I know others have spoken of it but that was my personal experience.
When I first met him I did bring him bourbon a few times but after that I never did again except for Christmas and his birthday.
Jefferson never required or forced me to give him or buy him anything.
Most of all he absolutely never required anything in exchange for sex. There were several times I saw Jefferson that we had sex and he would make me lunch after. I didn't give him anything or take him out.
Diva
I think this guy needs a wake up call. I don't wish bad on anyone, but perhaps this will teach him it's time to grow up, get a job and become at least a little bit of an adult.
Instead he sounds like a sad, free-loading mess who puts a lot of things ahead of his children, regardless of him loving them.
Well written!!
I am really impressed that you wrote the truth about how you stand in this. I can't be easy, seeing as you care about him. Well written Diva! I have a lot of respect for you!
What would it matter if he traded booze for sex? The attitude within his string of bloggers seemed to be that sex work was a-ok. There are stories which have been blogged about where he fucked young girls in front of random Craigslist dudes for money.
I mean, I'm glad you can recognize the problems with these choices with such clarity, but you were accepting of it not that long ago, and painted Jefferson in an endorsing light. Now you have admittedly promiscuous female bloggers who would never be ashamed of their sex lives taking a stand to purposely say they had never had sex with the guy. That indicates there's more being discussed them his lawsuit.
Anon,
For me it does matter. I have never traded anything for sex with Jefferson. I also personally have never seen anything blogged where he fucked girls in front of CL guys for money. Most people who know me will tell you if it is on the internet I will find it. So I question where those stories are.
Did it happen? I don't know and can't say.
Yes, I painted Jefferson in a positive light because there were positive things both about him and our relationship but that does not mean that behind this blog I didn't have concerns and conversations with him about some of these problems. I simply chose to keep those private and off my blog until now. I explained my reasons for breaking my silence at this point.
As far as other bloggers stating they didn't have sex with Jefferson that is only in response to the comment he left on Dacia's blog and their anger at what he said.
Believe it or not some of us who have come out against what is happening with his appeal and the FOJ actually do care about Jefferson and feel we have his best interest at heart. Can the FOJ say the same? Are they doing all of this just for Jefferson or for their own needs? I question what are they getting out of all of this?
Diva
I have a feeling the latest "anon" posts from a place of first hand knowledge. She may know from 1st hand experience, just as I know and so many other women know, that all those "Bukkake parties", and "sex shows" are absolutely paid events solicited on Craigs list.
In this case, women are absolutely used as bait. Who would pay to was J? These shows would happen and then the money would be split.
I’m not part of the NYC set, and am looking at it all as an outsider, but have read numerous accounts on a variety of blogs about Jefferson’s fund, and all I can say or offer is that Jefferson isn’t a responsible adult, who is looking for other enablers. I think that it is incorrect for a fund to say that Jefferson is facing a custody battle based on his sexuality. It is clearly so much more than that. Custody battles aren’t about sexuality, they’re about so much more, based on my legal experience.
A parent ought to provide a child with a stable living environment. Jefferson’s sex parties and how they have become larger than life, publicized on the web, do not make for an ideal environment - irrespective of them occurring when children aren’t present. It is not about the issue of sex, but the behavior or stability of the individual. Secondly, it appears that the Svengali effect is real, whereby Jefferson successfully gathers female support (financial and emotional) to back his dysfunction or laziness. Therefore, the example he presents to his children, even in an indirect manner, isn’t healthy for children. Lastly, his narcissism is obvious; it is not about his lifestyle or his approach, but his ‘sexuality’ that is the issue here. In other words, everyone else (his ex-wife, etc) are using his sexuality against him, and it is their fault and not his. If he does not have a job, he cannot pay child maintenance. If he does not have a job he cannot provide for his children’s futures, and if he does not have a job and sponges off other people, he sets a bad example for his children. This does not a good father make and I wish more people would be honest enough to say it rather than return to the ‘nice’ approach or soft approach. People reap what they sow. You have provided financial support to a grown man, a father, who ought to know better, and you have reaped a life lesson that will serve you throughout your life, but what lesson has he learned? Practically nothing if he is playing the blame game and using his sexuality as an excuse. It runs much deeper than this. People don’t retain lawyers for child custody suits for nothing. His ex-wife must be at the end of her tether - emotionally. I think this case will be landmark for many reasons, but the prime reason will relate to the issue of children and children’s rights in relation to adult blogging, reinforcing the fact that real people live beyond the blog, and those real people often don’t give their consent to being discussed in a blog for the world to read. It is, whether people appreciate it or not, an invasion of privacy.
I've often wondered how a man could afford to live in New York City, throw sex parties, and help support his children -- all with no job to speak of. Your post has made me realize that behind the fun and the glamor and the idealization of his life, there is another side to Jefferson that he does not show his adoring public. Which is fine -- that's his prerogative. However, I wonder how many women have read about that idealized life and initiated contact with him, drawn by the promise of excitement and sexual deviation, only to discover that it's a more complex and harder life than they would have imagined? It also makes me wonder whether there is any such thing as an honest sex blogger. Can we be honest when it comes to portraying ourselves? Many things to think about. And after reading Nadia's blog Diary of a Kinky Librarian (in which she details her assault), it seems there is sometimes a terrible price to be paid for trusting people, especially those with substance abuse problems.
I just want to say that I have attended one of Jefferson's bukkake parties and he absolutely did NOT charge anyone to attend. He was not making money off of it.
Isn't there anyone who's going to correct the last anon's comment?
People, please don't make me do it!
It's been blogged about.
The stories always involve someone watching from a chair, and then at some point Jefferson gives the guy permission to physically get involved. The girls always express going along with it because they trust him, despite mixed feelings.
Of course, most of these entries are locked now, which is funny in it's own right. Is it still a 1st amendment issue once you lock your journal and stop practicing free speech?
The man has unorthodox sexual proclivities. And he apparently has had sex and relationships with people that we are told weren't responsable or were "fragile" and should not have been exploited. Interesting how I was "called out" recently for questioning the ethics of a blogger using photos of what appeared to be underage women by bloggers who said adults have no business telling teens whether they should take their clothes off for money or have sex.
I stand by my assertion that this is a First Amendment issue. Should Jefferson have been more careful and cautious? Sure. But then he wouldn't be Jefferson. So far no one has offered any evidence that he put his children at risk, except you, and you have more personal knowledge of the situation. Does he need to get a job? Apparently. But it's not right his ex can use his lifestyle and writing to bludgeon him in court.
Nice legs, BTW! I'm a lecherous perv, so I tend to identify with some of J's inclinations....
Tom, I've seen many comments from people on both sides of this issue, but what you said was just callous and uncalled for. If you don't have an actual opinion that's of any importance to this post, then why bother saying anything at all?
Oh, and that first comment of mine was directed at your comment about being a perv Tom.
In the plea for money, it said Jefferson only had until August 11 to raise the money or he would have to give up his kids to his wife. Does anyone know what happened? Was the money raised? If it wasn't, does that mean the lawsuit is still progressing but without the extra lawyer?
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