When I made plans to meet Jefferson for the first time he gave me two requests. I was to wear a skirt and bring him a bottle of bourbon. I had read on his blog his love of bourbon and all about how others had given him bourbon when they met him so when he told me this I didn't mind. I thought it was funny and it fed my rush to do something crazy. I remember thinking I would be meeting the famous Jefferson. That man I had read so much of on so many different blogs. I wanted to be part of all of that and bringing him bourbon when I met him was one of the ways I would accomplish that.
The reason he gave me that I was to bring him bourbon was because I refused to send him a picture of myself. When we were to meet again the following week he again told me to bring him bourbon. I questioned why I needed to this time when he didn't need a picture of me any longer. I don't remember what his reason was but I do remember thinking that it wasn't quite as funny as the first time I did it. I had read of others who were bringing him bourbon then and I no longer wanted to be like that. I didn't want to be like everyone else he fucked. I was going to be unique. Or so I thought.
We met again the following week and sure enough he wanted me to bring bourbon again. This time I didn't mind as much because we had not planned on meeting this week. It turned out I had a change in my schedule and when I asked Jefferson if he was free I was just happy that he was making the time so I could see him again. That became a pattern for me in our relationship. When I was happy or thought he did something nice I would buy things for him or his children. Looking back now I can see all the reasons behind that which will be another post in itself.
It was after this third visit that I first emailed Tess. It was Tess who told me I was crazy to bring him bourbon or buy him lunch. She could not believe he had me do that. I was never totally comfortable bringing the bourbon after the first time and I did not want to do it again. I told Jefferson that Tess was my new idol and she told me not to bring bourbon anymore. The following are parts of emails that Jefferson sent me when I told him that. I took these as a joke but I have often wondered how wrong I was to think that.
When we meet, you bring bourbon. That's been very clear.
If you show up without bourbon, you may be meeting Tess earlier than you think.
Not everyone brings me bourbon. I hate to be all "spell things out," but if you persist in being ornery, I'll explain the significance of the bourbon when we meet on Monday. But yes, you will continue to bring it
I think those three lines there show exactly what Jefferson was like when it came to me buying him bourbon when we first met. I look at those lines now and wonder why I didn’t see this. How I just overlooked what they were screaming out to me.
I honestly didn't like this bourbon bullshit at all and told him so. I kept asking him over and over why I was required to bring it. I remember thinking that Jefferson had pegged me as having money from the first time he met me and was taking advantage of that. I remember when I wrote that first Day Tripper that he posted I had written J Crew Fuck Me Skirt $75 and I had also bought him the Jefferson’s Reserve bourbon which was more expensive than what he normally drank. I didn't want to think that about this new man I met and I was confused of who he really was. He was so charming and sweet when I saw him that I couldn't believe Jefferson would take advantage of me. He must like me or he wouldn't see me that much. In my world people didn't take advantage of their friends.
By the time I was on my cruise and Jefferson had missed those two flights we were still discussing the bourbon issue. He had said he would explain to me in person why I was required to bring him bourbon but he missed those flights. I finally told Jefferson that until he explained it to me I would not be bringing anymore bourbon. That is when I received what I refer to as that "Fucked up bourbon" email. I blogged about it back then but I never posted the actual email. Looking back now I know I didn't post it because I didn't want anyone to see what he wrote me. I was not comfortable at all with that email he sent. Today I am posting it because I think it is a good example of how out of my league I was with him from the beginning.
Fine. Here is the reason you give me bourbon.
First of all, I like it, and you like to do nice things for me.
But the significance is that this gift is a reminder of our agreement. By giving me bourbon, you reaffirm that we are lovers who meet for great sex, and we are not going to make each other's lives crazy. We're not going to seek to fall in love, run off and die old together. We're going to be nice to one another, fuck like banshees, and make each other happy.
That's the thought in your mind as you think of me when purchasing the bourbon in anticipation of seeing me. That's the though in my head as I drink the bourbon, grateful to have seen you.
It's about memory and affirmation.
When I opened that email I was shocked. That line where he told me I like to do nice things for him stood out to me among everything else in it. As if he was telling me to think that. It seemed so fucked up to me that he even wrote that. I see now that this email was the first sign of the small ways Jefferson was able to manipulate me at times. He would write these fucked up things to me. I knew when I read this how fucked up it was but I chose to ignore it after a few emails with him because I was having too much fun feeding that rush with him. I was having fantastic sex for the first time in my life and didn't want to give that up. I didn't want to go back to what my life had been like before I met him. This email by itself wasn't that important in the overall scheme of things. That would become another pattern for me over all the months I was with Jefferson. I would ignore things that bothered me or were wrong because I didn’t want to face them and have to make that choice to stop seeing Jefferson. This was the response I sent back to Jefferson.
Excuse me, but let me make sure I understand you.
I buy bourbon so that I won't fall in love with you and run off and die old together?
Has it slipped your mind that I am already married?
Let's talk about that comment "we are not going to make each other's lives crazy" Did you forget this week?
I know it made me crazy.
We are lovers. Are we also friends?
Here is my reason why I don't want to buy bourbon. I know and don't care about all the people you fuck. However I
refuse to be like all of them and deliver bourbon.
I buy vacations. (when you show up on them) That will be memory and affirmation. I'll take pictures on the vacation for you
if need something to remember it.
The more I thought about his email to me later that night the more it bothered me. I just was not happy he wrote something like that to me about a damn bottle of bourbon. I couldn't match that fucked up email to the man I had met and had sex with. I know deep down I thought he was taking advantage of me and my ability to pay for his bourbon but I kept pushing those thoughts away. I couldn't think that about this man who was making me happy at times and changing my life. This man who could be so sweet and caring at times to me. This man who was showing me what sex could be like. I did write another response to Jefferson about that email. Here are a few of what I thought were the more important points in it.
The more I thought about your bourbon explanation the more it bothered me. As you know other than the first time we met I have never liked bringing bourbon. What you might not know is that is has always made me feel like I was cheap and being used.
If I choose to buy you something or take you to lunch that is because it is something I want to do. Not something I am forced or told I have to do. It will be something that I also receive pleasure from. Like the cruise. I already have plenty of someone telling me what to do in my life. I'm not looking for more.
I haven't read that email since last year when I wrote my blog post about it. Reading it now once again shows me that I chose to ignore a sign and that I really didn't know the true Jefferson. I thought I was in control of this after I wrote that to him. As I look at this now I see how Jefferson had decided I would supply him with bourbon every time I saw him and assumed I would go along with it. It was only because of Tess's influence on me letting me know how fucked up it was to do that I did put my foot down. I didn't understand Jefferson. After that he no longer told me to buy him things or take him to lunch. He didn't have to.
I would somehow always end up offering.
I can't say right now how I feel about what I did back then or if I regret that I did it. I had a lot of fun at times during these months when I was involved with him but there was also a lot I would rather have not gone through too.
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16 comments:
There are lots of things that I find puzzling about this blog and Jefferson; your relationships and self image. Not the least the timing of releasing all this information.
But the one that has me most confused is the quality of the writing. Your email response "Excuse me..." is a much tighter piece of prose than your 'debauched domestic diva' voice. That email was lovely---and not indicative of a woman 'out of her depth'.
Just saying.
Amazing post. Utterly damning. Ugh....
Another fascinating post that couldn't have been easy to write. You sensed early on that Jefferson was using you for your money, but you also couldn't help enjoying the sex, the attention, his charm. Maybe deep down (or even subconsciously) you even realized that your money would help you keep his attentions. I don't think there's anything wrong with that in theory, but it's never so simple, is it?
He was practicing prostitution, basically, but unwilling to call it that, and too cowardly to insist upon payment when push came to shove. Instead, he tried to make you feel emotionally obligated to pay him. A prostitute has more honor than that. To claim that your "gifts" were some kind of "affirmation" that you were NOT going to have a relationship other than sex . . . for god's sake. I can't begin to fathom the depths of self-deception this man practices.
i think you've really found your voice with this latest series of posts. i know it's difficult to come forward with this information but i for one am proud of you for admitting these past mistakes and opening up about what was going on behind the scenes.
I just want to clarify something I didn't have time to express earlier (keeping in mind that this is just my opinion, of course). To me, it isn't a question of whether you made mistakes or have anything to regret. Nearly every significant experience or relationship in our lives is a mixed bag -- it's hard to grow and learn through experiences that aren't complex. I actually went back and read some of your earliest posts that you made to see if they "felt" the same way to me now that I can see the way your situation with Jefferson played out. And I have to say I was moved, because I could tell that even under your carefree and humorous "Diva" voice, you were still struggling to understand, and you were still both somewhat carried away and yet fighting to stand up for yourself. You experienced moments of elation and joy with Jefferson, no doubt, and you also experienced pain. Your perception gradually became clearer, and now you're examining this life-changing episode -- as is your right. I would like you to know that at least in this woman's mind, there is no judgement or criticism aimed at you. I read what you write and think, "I've done that," or "There but for the grace of god go I," and sometimes even, "Wow, I wish I could have dome that." You wouldn't be the person you are now if you hadn't met Jefferson. It's not good or bad. It's life, you know? I thank you.
Amazing and brave post. I would rather read one post with a smidgen of hard truth in it then 100 posts of fantasy idealizing sex. This was a lot more than a smidgen.
Thank you.
My gosh, you sound just like those young girls that think Jefferson is going to love them and be with them for the rest of their lives. Did you not read his blog --- he has many interests. If you had just a tiny bit of sense, you would have gone into this situation as a casual observer instead of a john looking for a lay.
This is really no different than Match.com. You knew what you were getting into from the posting, you just happened to fall in love.
Thanks for writing this. After reading the email from him, I felt your confusion and shock like I had when I moved back and this guy I 'saw' once automatically thought we were going steady. I know it's a whole different type of situation, but still the shock and awe of the situation.
I would say from this description that Mr. J comes off as a sociopath, but I'm not an expert.
Reading this, your adventures with J seem even more surreal. I hope you are still continuing to find yourself throughout this turmoil.
I've been turning over in my mind what I wanted to comment about this post, and I think shilly shally's second comment captures what I wanted to say better than I was going to put it.
That last comment from "anonymous" is way off base. IMNSHO.
Anonymous you have no idea what you're talking about.
No one who hasn't been in one of these intimate and intense relationships with Jefferson can have any idea what it's like once you're in there.
For 2 years all I ever heard what that I knew what I was getting into. And it pisses me off. Because it certainly messed with my head and I felt like the moron when my heart got constantly broken by the man that swore he loved me.
But it wasn't me. I wasn't fooling myself. He was fooling me.
And it goes the same for all of us. He's fooled all of us. Even if you don't know it yet.
I wrote a long comment and lost it. :( I'll try again.
anon@11:25, I think your comment was harsh and completely unfair. I read Diva partly because she doesn't write like all the others do about Jefferson. She never did.
I think she writes brave and honest and insightful posts about a tumultuous time in her life. I suspect that her age made her slightly more able to see J's manipulations and slightly less vulnerable than the younger women, but she was still vulnerable.
As a mere reader and an outsider, it seems that Jefferson picks two kinds of women as female partners: the very young, emotionally fragile women who may have a lot of sexual experience but lack life experience and wisdom (not slamming anyone it's just a fact that certain kinds of wisdom only come when you get older.) OR he picks older (40 plus) women who have been in a stagnant relationship for some time or are just out of one, and who lack a lot of sexual experience--certainly experience with kink.
Both kinds of women are insecure and vulnerable for different reasons, and he exploits those insecurities and vulnerabilities. He might not intend to do it, he might not fully be aware that's what he's doing, but it IS what he's doing.
The younger ones fall in love with him and hope that fucking him makes them special. The older ones fall in love with the sex, and keep fucking him because it makes them feel special. (I know this is a generalization and won't apply to everyone but that's sort of what it looks like).
It's interesting that he doesn't seem to choose older women with a lot of experience as partners. I suspect that might be because they see through him and wouldn't tolerate his bullshit. I don't mean the multiple partners, I mean bad behavior like standing people up, demanding that you always bring a bottle of bourbon, and so on.
Diva doesn't seem to be the only one who arranged trips and was stood up at the last minute FWIW.
Rock on Diva!!!
Maybe I’m just talking out of my ass here. I only know what I’m reading. This is what it looks like to me:
Crucially, the women Jefferson picks have a certain kind of naïveté. Naiveté isn’t a character flaw. It’s about what you’ve experienced in life. All these women found a new experience in Jefferson and it was overwhelming. For the older women, it’s a whole new sexual experience. We all know how overwhelming new sexual experiences can be, whether you’re 14 or 44.
For some of the younger women, maybe it’s the first time they had that kind of sex with someone who also made them feel safe, loved. The age difference here is crucial. Jefferson would naturally seem and also be more thoughtful, more sensitive, and generally less clumsy emotionally and sexually then the boys their own age. Unfortunately his age also makes him a better and more subtle manipulator. The younger women would be more likely to trust in him/put up with him/believe him because “He’s older. He must know.” The older women probably excuse him by thinking “this is just how it’s done” as Diva says she did about the bourbon and lunch before Tess enlightened her.
I keep returning to one fact. He doesn’t seem to choose female partners who are close to him in age and are also very sexually experienced. Why is that? There’s no shortage of sexually experienced and kinky women in their 30’s and 40’s especially in NYC! but he seems to primarily get involved with women who are vulnerable in one way or the other: either lacking life experience or lacking sexual experience.
Why?
I think it might be because those more experienced women are more difficult to manipulate or they spot him as trouble right away and don’t make themselves available to him.
Diva, I love your blog and hope you keep posting about this but I want you to do whatever is most healing for you. I will read you no matter what you write about. I appreciate your courage and your candor in what must be a very difficult situation.
My apologies if I offend any of Jefferson’s female partners. I don’t mean to at all, and I admit I'm only going on what I read.
In case it wasn’t clear, about my naïveté comment: I think that only a complete asshole would ever suggest that any of Jefferson’s partners knew what they were getting into or somehow deserved what they got.
I’m not blaming his partners when I say they all seem to have a certain kind of naïveté. I’m pointing out specific areas in which I think they lacked experience and pointing out that I think Jefferson seems to have taken advantage of this.
Diva said it very well and very poignantly: “He was so charming and sweet when I saw him that I couldn't believe Jefferson would take advantage of me.”
“ In my world people didn't take advantage of their friends.”
Naïveté is usually used as an insult. People use the word to infer that someone should have known better. That’s not what I mean to do. Naïveté only means innocence or lack of experience.
In our innocent and honest worlds we assume everyone is like us. We think that people don’t take advantage of their friends because we don’t take advantage of our friends.
When we encounter someone who is damaged, we find out that some people do act that way. We find out that some people can be charming and lovable and have good qualities, but are very bad news.
We find out that even if someone says they love you there actions over time show something different.
I’m not criticizing his partners when I say Jefferson chooses naïve women. I’m pointing out that he seems to get involved with women who have a certain kind of innocence, and he appears to avoid women who have already lost that innocence. IMO.
Anonymous 1.0
In my opinion you have nailed it. It's very sweet how you emphasize that you are not trying to offend anyone. You shouldn't offend with your analysis since it's actually very gentle and not critical.
Jefferson's magic does seem to happen because he can fulfill a need in the vulnerable. I have no idea what his intentions are and perhaps they are honorable. Maybe it is easier for him to associate with those who need him on some basic level too? I think he really does allow certain women to access parts of themsleves like never before sexually and emotionally.
Finacially he is a taker. His willingness to accept the largess of others is amazing. Maybe his comfort with this simply developed from asking for (or being given a few things) and getting them to increasing his demands and getting those demands met too? He does seem comfortable with having others provide for him.
Is it wrong? I don't know.
Post Script to my post --
Anonymous 1.0, I don't know if Jefferson avoids cetain women. My guess is that certain women avoid Jefferson.
I don't mean this as a criticism to Jefferson's friends. I think that everyone has a "type." This "type" may or may not be good for you but it is who you are attacted to. Jefferson has an appeal for some but not everyone.
To get a little bit snarky, you probably wouldn't be reading on his blog about the dates that reject him, the unreturned phone calls and e-mails, the noshows. Embarassing and not really furthering the Sex God image that underpins his livlihood.
If it was right, then we could see donating to one thing but certainly not to every occasion. The first thing was the birthday wish list. Every body has wish lists, but I guess he knew that if he asked for more than his audience would give him more.
We all go through hard times but the hard times shouldn't last more then four years, if they do, then somethings wrong right there.
Keep writing!
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